Jul 302015


What is it about crappy shark films? They could have been written by a ten year old, the special effects are often the other meaning of special and the acting could usually be put to shame by a pre-school nativity play. Whatever the appeal, SyFy have just shown a lot of them to celebrate the release of Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!, including the latest of the meteorological thrillers. With all that shark on show, we got Juan, of his own free will no less, to sit through a selection of them and give his thoughts on what’s so bad it’s good, or just shit sandwich.

Zombie Shark

With most films like these, you tend to know what you’re going to get by the title alone, and Zombie Shark is no exception. Pretty much ripping off the plot of Deep Blue Sea, but change the middle of the ocean to a much cheaper to film on island, a genetic researcher has been testing on sharks to try and create a medicine that regenerated damaged tissue and organs. The problem is, that it leaves the subject in a primitive state, and it infects anything it bites. As the shark attacks others of its kind, the island becomes swarmed with zombie sharks! And it’s not long before holidaymakers and locals become dinner. This is where the fun begins. Zombie Shark feels like a Final Destination of sorts, where the deaths become more and more elaborate and ridiculous as the film goes on. As these are zombie sharks, mere dismemberment is not enough, as the woman who gets eaten by a huge shark head finds out! These sharks are also very fast, and can even attack on land, with often comical results. The effects in this film are pretty dire, but this film is hilarious, and the makers know that, and have a lot of fun with it. This is daft shark films done right; lots of sharks, lots of blood and lots of fun.


3-Headed Shark Attack

Sequel to the less than entertaining 2-Headed Shark Attack, you would have hoped that 3 heads were better than 2. Unfortunately this is just as bad as the other film, and not in a so bad it’s good way, just bad. There are some amusing moments and some of the acting is absolutely appalling, which makes for some amusement, but the already too long film seems stretched out with a ridiculous amount of reused stock and filler shots which really begin to grate after a while and a pointless amount of slow-mo that would make Zack Snyder jealous. Even Danny Trejo pops up at one point as he and his group, of what you would only assume is smugglers or arms dealers due to the amount of weapons, try and save the day and take on the 3 Headed shark. A film about a giant 3 headed shark should not be this boring, yet here we are! The film is far too long than it should be for one of its sort and the fact it just isn’t entertaining in any way makes it feel even longer.


Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark

Mega shite, more like.


Ghost Shark

Ghost Shark deserves a special place in the crappy shark film hall of fame. Yes, Sharknado may be the most popular, and probably the most far fetched, but Ghost Shark consists of the best shark attacks ever committed to film. The reason for the Ghost Shark’s appearance is because of ancient curse which is awakened when… Like anyone cares! This film is all about the shark picking of innocent members of the public one by one. In most shark films, it’s not safe to go in the water. In this film it’s not safe to go near any water whatsoever! You’ve got to hand it to the writers, there are some impressive death scenes in this film. Ghost Shark can appear wherever there’s water, so if you fancy a sip of water, attend a sexist car wash, or even need to fix the pipes under the sink, chances are, you’re Ghost Shark’s next meal. And it is hilarious. There are creature features that are so bad they’re good, and then there’s Ghost Shark, the be all and end all of shitty shark films. If you only watch one of these films, make sure it’s Ghost Shark!


Avalanche Sharks

This is yet another originally titled shark movie, only this one is literally taking the piste. Yet again it’s another one with some ancient curse, probably Indian, that when disturbed, rouses some mountain dwelling sharks, again somewhat ghostly, that, er… swim(?) through the snow, attacking skiers, snowboarders and party goers. It plays out like a stalk and slash type of movie, with a group of friends and holiday makers all buying the farm while out in the snow. While it is an amusing concept at first, it soon wears away its welcome as the film has to shoehorn a plot and character woes in to it somehow, and while it’s not the worst of the films featured, there’s much better here than Avalanche Sharks.


Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

The reason behind this week of shark movies finally airs, and after two wonderfully stupid films, the third Sharknado hits the ground running, with a fast paced race across Washington DC so Ian Ziering’s Fin Shepard, racing against time to make it to an award ceremony with the president, to receive the country’s highest civilian honour for his work in thwarting the previous Sharknado’s. Without warning, it happens again, but this time, it’s much bigger. What happens next is a road trip from Washington to Florida, with more than one tornado standing between Fin and his destination. Much like The Second One, Sharknado 3 is crammed full of celebrity cameos (well, celebrities if you’re familiar with American daytime TV).

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

There are also a few more recognisable faces, with the likes of David Hasselhoff, Bo Derek and a brilliant Frankie Muniz all having small parts to play. As you’d expect, the majority of the cast all meet their fate at the flippers of the falling sharks, but Muniz’s demise is funniest of them all (’tis but a scratch). Although there are some great set pieces, and the finale really has to be seen to be believed, Sharknado 3 is seriously lacking the one thing the first two films had, and that is fun. The film seems more concerned with trying to shoehorn as many well known faces in as possible and seems to care more about subplots and characters this time around. It’s still an entertaining film, but clunks along with far too much character building and an absolutely pointless sub plot with Fin’s daughter, which drags the running time on needlessly longer than it should be.


Oh hell no indeed.



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