Jan 062017
 




 

10/ DEADPOOL
I’m rather pleased that Deadpool is no lower than 10, as it means that I can get what is probably the most controversial entry on this list out of the way. This film has made many top ten lists, which is something thatI find utterly baffling unless an increasing number of critics are 13 years old. The movie equivalent of that mate we used to have at school who thinks they are funny but who tries so damn hard to be funny that they actually come off as just annoying, it’s so busy congratulating itself with how clever and edgy it wrongfully thinks it is that it forgets to give us much of a plot or some actual jokes, while what action there is is mostly incoherent. Ryan Reynolds, I have to admit, totally nails the title role, but it’s the part of one of the most repulsive main characters – albeit one we’re supposed to like – in years. Kick-Ass and Super did this kind of thing well. Deadpool, to my eyes, most certainly doesn’t. 4/10

9/ GODS OF EGYPT
I’m going to have to admit that I actually enjoyed Gods Of Egypt rather a lot – for a start I certainly wasn’t bored – but only in the way that I enjoy quite a few bad movies, and I have to admit that is a pretty poor exercise, albeit one which is full of laughs from the often terrible CGI which it doesn’t look like they actually finished, to the cringeworthy dialogue, to performances and even characters who appear to be in different movies, to a God of Wisdom who talks absolute rubbish throughout. It doesn’t even bother to give us clothing and architecture that looks ancient Egpytian, and totally messes up an interesting mythology which few know about. It can’t be faulted for its ambition and every now and again there’s a great image, but I sadly have to say that Alex Proyas, whose work I otherwise love, botched this one. Saying all that, if I was given the choice I’d choose to watch it over Deadpool anytime. 4/10

8/ PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES
To be honest, this was a film I fully expected to be lousy. With such an unpromising concept, it could probably only work in the hands of very good writers and directors indeed, but I expected something a little more than yet another version of Jane Austen’s book with a few encounters with zombies plonked randomly into it, though it seems to be that the source novel is basically the same, and if that isn’t a sure sign of the dumbing down that’s everywhere than I don’t know what is. Though I’m no Austen fan, I’m aware of her work enough to recognise that it’s a very poor adaptation with everything made simple for idiots, while even the zombie and action scenes are shoddy because they’re largely ruined by that choppy kind of editing that’s so sadly common these days where you can’t see what’s going on. The zombie makeup is pretty good though and belongs in a decent film featuring the undead. 3.5/10

7/ THE 5TH WAVE
Mix together elements of every Young Adult movie adaptation you’ve seen, add a bit of V, then add some large doses of pure stupidity [tiny parasitic creatures able to build huge spaceships], and you get The 5th Wave, a poorly constructed mishmash which never hangs together, though it’s possible that with a decent screenwriter it could work as a TV series where the various subplots can breath. It’s further sunk by some astonishingly poor acting from nearly everyone concerned, especially the usually good Chloë Grace Moretz who is so unconvincing in this film that maybe she’d been taken over or replaced by an alien herself, and a whole load of scenes which seem shot from the wrong angles….though it’s highly amusing indeed that it presents a twist towards the end as some kind of big revelation yet it’s highly obvious to anyone with more than one braincell what’s going on right from the beginning. 3.5/10

6/ KICKBOXER: VENGEANCE
A remake that’s actually cheesier than the original, but not anywhere near as much fun, Kickboxer: Vengeance is a failure right from when the main character’s brother is killed and shows about two seconds of emotion, but then the charisma-free zone that is Alan Moussi hardly shows any emotion throughout the whole film. Hugely choppy in places, with random scenes and parts of scenes seemingly just plonked in there almost as if they cut a two hour film down to 90 minutes extremely quickly, it has none of the original’s heart and charm and it’s just impossible to care whatsoever except to feel really sorry for Jean-Claude Van Damme who decided to appear in this mess and even allow himself to be dubbed. Ok, some of the fighting, if over-edited, is decent, but of course that’s not including the jawdroppingly bad scene where two really bouncy CGI battling elephants are horrendously intercut with real ones. 3.5/10

5/ BATMAN V. SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE
I had some trouble deciding which of this year’s wrecks from DC [and you’ll know from my inclusion of Deadpool in this list that I’m not a die-hard Marvel fan] was going to be number five and which was going to be number four, and I’m still not convinced I’ve got it right, but Batman V Superman, despite being crammed with plot holes, is the slightly more coherent of the two, and Ben Affleck proves to be a surprisingly good Batman. It’s still a borderline disaster, a dreary, monotonous bore of a movie, half of which just repeats variations on the same scenes over and again, and which doesn’t even give us a decent Batman/Superman fight, though I guess it’s quite clever for DC to have made not one but two films supposedly about Superman but not actually having Superman in them. And then there’s the worst piece of writing ever done for a superhero film. You know what I’m talking about. “Martha”!.... 3/10

4/ SUICIDE SQUAD
So they had a film that apparently didn’t work, and they then decide to make it even worse, which makes no sense, but then this is the lot who thought that the mixed response to Batman V Superman was due to its lack of humour [which was the least of its problems if indeed a problem it was]. There’s something disturbing and cynical in a studio trying to make something that’s clearly isn’t kid-suitable material more appropriate for youngsters when the result is still not at all for children, and this means that there’s also something slightly reprehensible and dishonest about Suicide Squad in the form it’s been released in, though this is a film that takes forever to introduce characters but still fails to make us care about them, and together they share no chemistry whatsoever. Half the scenes appear to have been edited together by a blind person, and even Cesar Romero was a scarier Joker than Jared Leto. 3/10

3/ BEN HUR
I suppose there was no way that Ben Hur was ever going to be much good, so I probably shouldn’t have expected anything more than a chopped up version of the 1959 movie with all its depth, emotion and intelligence removed, especially when director Timur Bekmambetov claimed bizarrely that the story is about forgiveness not revenge, while the religious stuff is incredibly clumsily done [though what else would you expect from the producers of faith pictures?]. The fact that the camera never stays still for a second even in dialogue scenes makes the thing an ordeal to watch in places, and comparing the chariot race of this one, with its nonstop cuts and CGI stunts, and the 1959 film really makes one wonder if cinema has advanced at all since then. The cast just can’t seem to be bothered, unless you count Jack Huston suddenly speaking in a much gruffer voice half way through, and some of the modern-style dialogue is cringeworthy. 3/10

2/ SAUSAGE PARTY
You can imagine the tiresome annoyance that is Seth Rogen sitting around with his mates getting stoned watching Toy Story and coming up with this movie, though I doubt that even the strongest of illegal substances would make it funny. The idea of vegetables making lewd comments about other vegetables or having sex with them wears thin after about 15 minutes, by which time it’s also become apparent that the film isn’t going to feature any actual….you know….jokes because Rogen and co. consider the f*** word to be the funniest thing known to humanity. Sausage Party isn’t offensive; it’s just tedious, boring and full of the usual trendy, preachy attacks on religion [and no, I’m not religious myself] from folk who prove that they are actually intolerant of those who think differently to themselves. I guess it’s possible that if I was 13 years old I might consider this a good movie, but for some reason I highly doubt it. 2.5/10

1/ GHOSTBUSTERS
The great French director Francois Truffaut once said something to the effect that every film has some good in it, you sometimes just have to look harder. Then again, he never got to see this utterly wretched remake of Ghostbusters, which is a movie I honestly struggled to find anything good in, and I say that as somebody who likes the original 1984 movie a great deal but certainly doesn’t think it’s some near flawless masterpiece, though I was tempted to hate the movie even before I saw it considering the despicable behaviour of its studio, director and even some of the cast who insulted fans of the original and removed comments about the trailer so that the only negative ones that were left were sexist ones. In any case, the sight of critics [I’m especially talking about you Mark Kermode, you’ve totally lost my respect] who obviously didn’t like the movie trying as hard as they could to be nice about it to seem “right on” or to avoid offending people was pathetic and a disgrace to the profession.

Of course Paul Feig is known for making comedies which have obviously had the laughs surgically removed, but the talentless writer/director hit new lows with this crap where he seems to be totally lost in a ‘PG’13’ world which can’t have profanity or much crudity. It feels like many scenes were improvised but that’s not at all a good thing when the performers say nothing amusing. Example of the film’s humour: one character constantly complaining about won ton soup. Chris Hemsworth’s dumb blonde act is, I suppose, mildly amusing for a couple of minutes, but is tiresome after ten more. On the other hand it’s possible that an African/American actress playing as stereotypical a caricature of an African/American women you can think of is too sophisticated for my tiny brain. The writing is atrocious, the plot is feeble, the script is horribly anti-male, the four stars have no chemistry whatsoever, the direction is shoddy, the special effects are actually inferior to the ones in the original film, the action scenes possess no excitement whatsoever, and the original cast members look distinctly uncomfortable in their cameos. A truly horrible motion picture.

1/10

Dr Lenera

Dr LeneraI'm a huge film fan and will watch pretty much any type of film, from Martial Arts to Westerns, from Romances [though I don't really like Romcoms!]] to Historical Epics. Though I most certainly 'have a life', I tend to go to the cinema twice a week! However,ever since I was a kid, sneaking downstairs when my parents had gone to bed to watch old Universal and Hammer horror movies, I've always been especially fascinated by horror, and though I enjoy all types of horror films, those Golden Oldies with people like Boris Karloff and Christopher Lee probably remain my favourites. That's not to say I don't enjoy a bit of blood and gore every now and again though, and am also a huge fan of Italian horror, I just love the style.

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