Now, Hughes Ross warned us about this, but i just had to see it for myself. Hughes, thank you for the warning and i totally agree, this is one of the worst films not only of this year, not only of the last ten years, but possibly ever! But, Hughes, it still isn’t as bad as Zombeak! The main problem here is it takes itself way too seriously, and has terrible attempts at humour. If the film could hold its head up and admit to being crap on a sort of Shark Attack 3 level, then maybe i would’ve liked it, but it doesn’t. It thinks its good, and that the main problem. Firstly, there is a small amount to actually like here, and it pretty much all involves half naked or naked women. They’re everywhere, lesbians, oil wrestling, sex scenes, bikini scenes, a girl being sliced right up the middle by a rotating saw Yes, there is a fine selection of gorgeous women on offer here, and you know how i enjoy that. However, in-between all that you have some of the worst acting, scripting, jokes and horror you are ever likely to see. The plot is pretty much identical to the original, only Robert Englund has been replaced by Bill Mosely as the Mayor, and the town of crazies have actually gone in search of victims rather than wait for them to come to the town. An idea of how terrible to script is follows, Mayor Looks like we got ourselves a Hebrew!” Jewish guy “Thats Jew to you Colonel”, fuck me who came up with that! The group of girls and blokes who become victims are shooting for a tv show which looks based on that Hilton Sisters thing, i have no idea what its called and i don;t really care. The sisters here, however, are better looking
Anyway, so the townsfolk invite them to join their stupid celebrations and they start perving on them and killing them off. One of the local idiots is kicked out of a pool by two of the tv show blokes because the idiot is perving at the girls “Why you stampeding me!” goes the idiot “Get your hands off me you damn dirty Yanks!” Oh dear. It gets better, in a scene where a black guy is asked if the Mayors wife can film him, he replies “Yeh, i’m down just keep it off the net!”. Fuck me. Even better still, that local idiot (again) watches two people having sex and comments ” You grunt louder than a churchyard chicken!” By this point i really wanted to turn off, this film is so bad its not even funny. Its awful awful awful, but for some strange reason i stuck it out til the end, and wished i hadn’t. There were a few enjoyable scenes come the end, a lesbian seduces the dark haired woman funding the tv show, the dark haired woman had a number of lines in the film and not one of them made any sense. In this scene, the lesbian seduces her before ripping her face off, followed by the so brilliantly written “Fire red always turns my pink wet” COME ON FOR FUCK SAKE!!! Was this script written by a fuckin two year old!!! Stay well clear of this utter nonsense if you know whats good for you! Or you could end up running from a whole bunch of village idiots, trying to get the bus started and seeing your mate Jesus appear, and i’m sure you would then stop trying to start the bus, whilst surrounded by village idiots trying to smash their way in, and then i’m pretty sure you would take extra care to mutter the essential words “Wait Ruby, its Jesus, he’ll save us! Can you find it!” Find what exactly? Oh yes, the bin, this film should be put in the bin, or even better just snap the fucker in half!
Rating: (extra point for the ladies! )
[pt-filmtitle]2001 Maniacs Field of Screams[/pt-filmtitle]