THE GRAVES: Review By Ross Hughes

The Graves (2009)
Directed by: Brian Pulido
Written by: Brian Pulido
Starring: Bill Moseley, Clare Grant, Jillian Murray, Tony Todd

    THE GRAVES

 There is a new trend cliche in horror these days replacing that damn cat that comes out of closed cupboards once a noise as occurred.  That opens another question……”As a black cat ever really jumped out on you?” anyway this other scene that as become the norm is the one where the innocent get away from the killer and with a sign or relief flag down an approaching car.  To their horror and not at all a surprise to us, the ones in the car are part of the killing spree and the poor victim nightmares continues…..

To say this happens in The Graves is an understatement, a horror so lacking in originality and style that when I am on my death bed I will look back at realise that I wasted 90 minutes of my life sitting down watching a pile of crap when I should have been doing something better….like finding a black cat trapped in an empty cupboard!

Brian Pulido is some kind of legend in the comic book industry with the likes of Lady Death and Evil Ernie gathering massive cult status.  Here he makes his first direction debut in which he also wrote and despite the stylish pre-credits sequence which shows his comic book history, he gets everything else so wrong that the film is an atrocious mess from start to the very weak ending.

Not only does his direction make Uwe Boll look in the same league as the Speilberg of the worlds but his writing is so laughable bad that you be weeping with despair way before the half hour mark.  How bad is it??????  here is one exchange!
“Tell me the truth?” says the killer…
“What do you want off me?” says the actress who can not act!
“I want the truth?  Tell me the truth?”
“I do not know what you want?”
“I want the truth!”
“What do you want?”

HE WANTS THE FRIGGIN TRUTH YOU STUPID DAFT COW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Anyway the film is like this through out.  Two sisters Megan (Clare Grant) and Abby Graves (Jillian Murray)
are on a road trip and get lost in the Arizona desert where they come across Skull City, an abandoned Mine Town used as a tourist attraction as it supposed to be haunted.  Paying their entrance fee and looking around, they see a young man being murdered and before they know it, their life’s are in danger as there is no escape from the mine as they are chased by not only a vicious killer but a Supernatural presence as well!

Bill Moseley (Devil’s Rejects) is the serial killer who for no unknown reason likes to wear a fake pigs nose when he is chasing his prey, hams it up stupidly as always, ranting and talking crap when he should just kill the stupid two girls who do everything possibly wrong and so offer no sympathy for their plight…..

There is one dumb plot moment that had me open mothered and dribbling down my neck as I began to realise that I was losing the will to live.  Its a SPOILER so be warned but I thought it would be best to mention this to show how crap and turgid the movie is.  One of the sisters as a knife through her heart and left for dead.  Now she is knocking on death’s door, her eyes are rolling and the other sister is screaming in despair.  Now SHE AS BEEN STABBED IN THE HEART……and yet ten minutes later she is running around again and that is when I realised that this is probably the worst horror I will see this year…..

I haven’t even got to the worst part, yes there is more.  Tony Todd, Candyman himself shows us all here that when he is in the mood for bad acting, he is the best, a woeful performance from the horror legend that will make you squirm at how bad his career as gone the Cuba Gooding Jr way……

This is as you guessed, the worst horror of the year!  There is no way I will see another bad one.  The only bright spark is the appearance of Amanda Wyss from Nightmare on Elm St, but its a fleeting cameo and as I all set to finish the review something else came to my head.

When this “thing” appears it leaves a nasty stink and those who smell it go a bit nuts.  The two sisters are tied to a chair and the “stink” appears.  Soon the girls are consumed with insanity and try biting each other.  A scene that had me actually laughing for all the way through the final climax and no doubt will be up as one of the worst horror moments for this new decade…..

Overall:  This is a terrible…..how does films like this get made….please avoid at all costs!!!!!

Rating:

[pt-filmtitle]The Graves[/pt-filmtitle]