THE OPEN DOOR
“It begs the question….How it did win such high acclaim?”
A good hour into this new horror and my lovely wife turned and looked at me. It was not a look of love, a gesture of happiness that she was happy to be with me, it was something else, something dark, that arose from the pit of her stomach. It was a look that could have meant three things. Number One, that she just caught me in bed with her sister, Number two and even worse, in bed with her father, or Number three, the most sane reason is that after ten years she has had enough and wants out of this marriage. As the look of evil filled my very bone, my knees started to tremble, worries of would I be allowed to see the kids at weekends scattered all over my brain, I began to panic, it seemed an age until she actually spoke. My face went white as finally she broke the silence and like a knife in the heart she groaned ” You do watch some shit!”, and with that she was gone. Grabbing her Cold Feet box set she stormed upstairs leaving me all alone with new doubts of which, is my film taste really that bad?
Lets look at what I have got! The Open Door arrives on DVD with a massive Internet buzz, numerous festive awards and critics calling it an “unseen beauty!” We sat in hope that this could be this year’s The Torment, an undiscovered gem that I could not wait to review on my thread. But then lets look at the evidence, and at the moment when my wife spat out that venom and left me all alone with just my underpants on and the urge of getting lucky slowly evaporating, the scene on the TV was of a man getting scared and chased by a haunted milk cup. Just in case you thought you read that wrong I even highlight it for you……A Haunted Milk Cup…..
Yes that is right. Now this scene is so bad that I can only agree with the wife. There is this student who I am sorry but can not bother with his name but he looks over forty, is sitting at a table when this glass of milk starts to move slowly towards him. Instead of laughing or moving away, he sits in the very chair and starts screaming, “please make it stop, who is doing this!, help me!” while this cup is moving ever so slowly. I wish I could have laughed but as this was just the umpteenth scene of the film that left me in despair, by the time I reached this stage I wanted to throw the remote at the TV.
The Open Door is about Angelica, a nice girl who is grounded because her mother does not like her BFF. Now that is not a slang for Big Floppy Forehead or something sexual but it stands for Best Friend Forever, in this case her friend Staci. Angelica’s mum has discovered that Staci posts semi naked photos of herself on the internet and all the criminals in jail get to see and fantasy over something which of course Mama really disapproves of. In a scene of really bad acting, the scream at each other which results in Angelica punching her bed and sinking her head into the pillow. While this is going on and to make sure we feel her despair, a lovely song is playing in the background. “Mirror Mirror on the wall, kiss me on the cheek!, Mirror Mirror on the wall, with your sugar coated lips!” These are the actual lyrics that are so funny that it makes me want to tell you guys you need to watch this film.
So Angelica is grounded and is going to miss the usual horror film party, and most of all miss out on seeing Brad the man who she loves ever so much. Now, and this bit got me! Her parents tell her to stay in and do her coursework while they are going to go away for two days. They will phone the house phone to make sure she is there and she must NOT go out. This is unfair screams the plot, she wants to see Brad and Brad wants to see her, and her parents are stopping this……how are these lovebirds going to see each other now…… Well simple! Her parents are going away???? Why does he just do what most teenagers do and sneak into the house when they have gone. The fact that that this logical step is never put forward is the most stupid of flaws that I have ever witnessed in horror and when the killings started to happen, I was like “good you deserve it for being so friggin stupid!”
The murders and the horror plot all comes from an Urban Legend called “The Open Door!” a pirate radio show that if you discover and make a wish live on air, it comes true. In her moment of unhappiness, Angelica switches on the radio and comes across the said station. The deep voice booms from the speakers and anyone who remembers my Hellraiser>reviews from a while back will be happy to know that the Pinhead from parts 4 and 5 has found a second job as a Radio DJ. This man could give that horror icon a run for his money. He can talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk…..about twenty minutes of this film is of Angelica listening to this voice that would drive anyone crazy. When he gives up, he switches over to a woman called the Oracle who must have got out of the Matrix and decided to become a blood thirsty mad bitch who just carries on and talks a bit more.
Angelica even listens to it when she takes an outside dip in the swimming pool. Now I have to mention this scene, not because of her body (I am not DJ) but of the dream she has when she dozes off. She dreams of the party and she walks in through the front door. The music-a riff of Top Gun- is playing, everyone stops and stares at her. Fake wind blows her hair as her lips go in a pout, Brad turns ever so slowly and they embrace while everyone around them claps. I am not taking the piss here, this actually does happen and lets not forget we have not reached the Milk Cup part yet! That lovely dream that made me wish I smoked so I could stick the burning stubs in my eyes not to bare witness of such shit again, is interrupted when her BFF phones her and tells her that Brad is cheating on her. Now BFF should stand for BFF (just change the forever to bitch) because Staci is not a nice friend to have, and her lies sends Angelica into a rage and she phones the Radio Station and makes a load of wishes that sadly come true.
When the penny drops and her friends finally get the idea that her parents are not there they pay her a visit but by the time they get there and enter the house, they realise that their lives are in danger. As they sit around, the fridge opens and outcomes a pint of milk, floating through the air, a bit like that Blur video, ok I admit I am taking the piss a bit here, but after that awful scene involving said Milk Cup which ends in an outcome that only suggests the writer must have thought “shit idea!” but somehow changes it to a “practical joke” that just makes it worse. We get to see that the house has a new visitor (a ghost!) who is determined to rid Angelica of her friends and of Brad. Her wishes that she said in anger are coming true, and nothing and no one can stop it.
Awful acting, terrible death scenes, a quite outstanding laugh a minute score, and numerous moments which will leave you with your mouth wide open stunned at the stupidity of it all, the wonderful start of 2011 in horror as suddenly come to a halt. The Open Door is a dire film that you should watch just for the awfulness of it all and it begs the questions, how did it win such high acclaim?
OVERALL: Words can not describe how bad this really is….
[pt-filmtitle]The Open Door[/pt-filmtitle]