Silly film this, a silly silly film! I mean come on, if you were being chased around your apartment by a crazed sex mad freak would you stop in the bathroom to check your blood shot eye, or if a man couldn’t break down a barricaded door, then how come a woman half his size can do it with ease? Why is it that Hilary Swank, no matter how many times she takes her clothes off, just doesn’t do it for me? And why give a legend like Christopher Lee an opening line that makes him a laughing stock “Got any pets?” he bellows as he meets Hilary Swank’s Juliet, his new neighbour. Why, and this is the big and most important question, did I watch this? It’s a question that will play over and over in my mind for weeks to come, and I doubt I will ever find the answer. I should have seen how bad this film was gonna be within the first ten minutes, but there you go, that’s me, always giving a film a chance and expecting it to get better. Sadly, The Resident is a great big pile of shite from beginning to end, and the main girl isn’t even attractive enough to keep your attention (sorry Hilary, but you just aint got it).
Juliet moves into a new apartment block, and one thing leads to another with her new landlord and they come close to having sex. The landlord also cares for his stepdad (Christopher Lee) who lives next door “Got any pets?!!” For all of, oh, say a minute we are lead to believe it is Lee who is the old pervy who likes to spy on Juliet, probably because his first line in the film was “Got any pets?!!” The landlord is played by Javier Bardem lookalike Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and to be fair he is a tasty brute and very soon we find out he is stalking Juliet from the cavity walls. This won’t spoil the film in any way I can assure you as this is predictable fodder with a stupid plot and even stupider ending! As Juliet and her landlord are about to get down to business we suddenly jolt bakc in time for the reveal and reason why things are turning out the way they are. I almost fell asleep here! “Got any pets?!!!” Thankfully, the thought of Christopher Lee bellowing this line amuses me again, I giggle a bit and suddenly I’m back into the film, so to speak.
For all you pervy buggers out there that DO find Hilary Swank attractive I can tell you that she spends pretty much the entire first half of the film getting in, or getting out of the bath and the camera slithers over her naked body like a old pervy snake. It is a little too obvious at times, but then, as old pervy landlord is the one looking through gaps in the wall and key holes, I guess we’re supposed to be joining in with his fun! To be fair things do get a little unsettling further on, a jealous rage as Juliet brings her ex home, and the lanlords sudden descent into madness. See, Juliet gave him the OK to kiss her, and as things are about to hot up, she has second thoughts and the poor fella kidly says it’s ok and that he understands. Like bugger does he! This pretty much pushes him over the edge and he turns into a right monster. Suddenly we learn a bit about Christopher Lee’s “Got any pets?!!” character, and suddenly he bellows some family history that drowns out everything else in the film! The landlord spends the rest of the film behaving pretty damn selfish, i mean, he hangs around in the cavity walls banging something on the floor like a spoilt child who has been told to go to his room, but to be fair it is slightly unsettling. He then moves on to start doing things that you never expected to happen in such a lame excuse of a home invasion horror. Juliet gets CCTV installed and suddenly she see’s the full horrro of what’s been happening.
Like I said, it does become unsettling, and quite dark to be honest, but you can never get past the fact this is too much of a polished film to ever feel real or scary. Hilary Swank does not convince as a victim, and a scene where she cries is fake as fuck and, sadly, you don’t really feel anything for her. The landlord does a fine job, but again you never truly feel any threat because the film is so bloody predictable you know it will more than likely turn out for the best. I fear mentioning any more will spoil things, but it does turn into a bit of a slash and stalk film, with emphasis on the slash, and the film tries SO hard to be inventive come the end it ends up looking tired and desperate. Unconvincing and utterly forgettable, far too polished and far too predictable with a cast wanting your affections and trying too hard to get them, resulting in your not caring one little bit. The only thing I really cared about is poor old Christopher Lee and his absolute terror at the fact his new neighbour may have a pet.