Shark Night 3D
Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack, Joel David Moore, Katherine McPhee, Sinqua Walls, Donal F. Logue, Joshua Leonard, Alyssa Diaz, Chris Zylka
What is it all about?
A sexy summer weekend turns into a blood-soaked nightmare for a group of college students trapped on an island surrounded by voracious underwater predators in Shark Night 3D, a terrifying thrill ride from director David Ellis (The Final Destination, Snakes On a Plane), featuring a red-hot young cast including Sara Paxton (Superhero Movie, Last House on the Left), Dustin Milligan (90210, Slither), Chris Carmack (The O.C.), Joel David Moore (Avatar), Chris Zylka (The Amazing Spider Man) and Katharine McPhee (The House Bunny).
Arriving by boat at her family’s Louisiana lake island cabin, Sara (Sara Paxton) and her friends quickly strip down to their swimsuits for a weekend of fun in the sun. But when star football player Malik (Sinqua Walls) stumbles from the salt-water lake with his arm torn off, the party mood quickly evaporates. Assuming the injury was caused by a freak wake-boarding accident, the group realizes they have to get Malik to a hospital on the other side of the lake, and fast.
But as they set out in a tiny speedboat, the college friends discover the lake has been stocked with hundreds of massive, flesh-eating sharks! As they face one grisly death after another, Sara and the others struggle desperately to fend off the sharks, get help and stay alive long enough to reach the safety of dry land…..
THE HUGHES VERDICT
Lets get straight to the point……Shark Night is abysmal. There I said it! Now its up to you if you want to read the rest of this review, at least you have the early option of whether to carry on reading because you now know the score and I am telling you now that I am not going to change my mind. I did not have this option when I was watching this film. I mean it started awful and carried on getting worse, why did I keep on watching? Well lets just say the inner child in me was thinking that a film with killer sharks killing hot teens could not be “this dull” and I was hoping it would pick up somehow and surprise me. Sadly it didn’t.
We start off with the typical Jaws beginning in which we see a young couple make out, the guy leaves the water and the girl gets munched on. This is probably the films highpoint, not because its a great set-piece but the fact that it just reminds you of a great film and if you get that feeling like I did then please do what I did not do and that is knock this shit off and actually watch Jaws, it will make you feel better. Saying that, even if you can not find your copy of the 70’s classic but see the sequels staring back at you then please…please watch parts 2,3 and even 4…….yes because at least the roaring shark and the telepathic link with Brody’s wife will have you amused, more than this can ever offer you.
Shark Night introduces us to a bunch of teens, yes the usual gang who when the men take their tops off they have a 10 pack and women who look mightily fine while wearing bikinis. Now for me their hot bodies was the only reason they got hired in the roles because they sure can not act to save their lives. I have never ever seen a film will such unlikeable characters who really need to go to acting school because after 15 minutes I went upstairs and put on my “I love Sharks” t-shirt and watched with great delight as the watery bastards munched on these dumb soulless characters.
Sara (Sara Paxton), is the chief responsible for getting all her best friends killed. Now that is not a spoiler because its the main thrust of the plot because she leaves the University she is in and drags her friends to the swamplands to where she once lived. Of course in this swamp is a huge mansion where the rest of the gang are promised a party to remember. Within the gang are Nick (Dustin Milligan), Beth (Katharine McPhee), Blake (Chris Zylka),Gordon (Joel David Moore), Malik (Sinqua Walls) and Maya (Alyssa Diaz), all the cliche type that will make you pine for the lack of though that has gone into the entire plot. Yes we have the geek looking guy who just wants to be loved, the sexy bitch who as had more loving than one should expect at that age, the school sports star and so on.
In an ill judged moment in which we see Sara get in a boat chase by the police, it turns out that Sara is big friends with the local Sheriff Sabin (Donal Logue), who tells them that he be keeping an eye on them in case they need anything. Hmmm that sounds a bit fishy……is he going to be more bait or is there something else amiss, especially when we meet up with Dennis (Chris Carmack),an old flame of Sara’s, and his best friend “Red” (Joshua Leonard-yes he from the Blair Witch).
Yes the film may have had me shaking my head at such a weak start but I was secretly hoping that once the sharks attack then I would start smiling but like I said at the start, the film just gets worse, why? well the CGI is feckin awful. I mean come on, it actually makes Bruce the shark look real.
The first attack is laughable bad. I mean really, really bad! Yes guys the Black guy gets bitten first…..hooray!!!!!!!! Well not to show the racism on show he actually survives for a bit (the shark despite dragging him down only bites off his arm??? but while he spends a few good moments just lying there, he finally comes around and grabs a spear (Hmmmm!) and goes all nuts…….yes I did just write that, yes you did just read that and yes it does actually happen.
What made me laugh the most is not the blatant racism on show but how the feck the guy managed to swim to shore after the attack. I mean this shark is a brutal fast bastard who chomps like eck but somehow it just bites off his arm (does not eat it by the way) and just then swims off and yet somehow the guy then swims to shore- with one arm by the way.
Yes it gets worse, only because the teens are the most thickest bunch of dicks I have ever seen. Lets do a little question for you guys.
If there are loads of sharks in the water, what do you do?
A: Stay out of the water
B: Jump in the water at every given time and splash around a bit.
If you answered B then well done, add a few stars onto the rating below because you will probably get a kick out of this film. Seriously are they really that stupid. I mean these guys only have to stay on land but Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, lets jump in, you know why? because it adds tension, bollocks does it. My 10 year old son wanted to watch this film and he sat there looked at me and said “Dad, why are they going into the water all the time”, and that really says it all doesn’t it.
But just when you thought it could not get worse and oh boy you thought it couldn’t, we get a plot twist that is not that shocking but moves away from what was supposed to be a man against beast and into yes you got it guys—–TORTURE PORN…….YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……………just what the film needed.
How they managed to create a film out of a bunch of sharks killing people so boring is a massive achievement within itself. Well done guys now I am going to chuck on Jaws-The Revenge to rid myself the memories because compared to this stinker, that is a masterpiece……
Read the Dr’s Cinema review here – rating:4.5/10
Read Matt’s review here who watched it straight after – rating:3.5/10