Jurassic Shark (2012)
(15) Running time: 75 minutes
Director: Brett Kelly
Writers: David A. Lloyd, Trevor Payer
Starring: Emanuelle Carriere, Christine Emes, Celine Felion
Reviewed by: Matt Wavish, official HCF critic
Well, they will keep on churning out these ultra low budget monster flicks, and while many of them have considerable Z-movie charm, the odd few come through that pretty much have nothing going for them. Jurassic Shark is bordering on this: it’s only real saving grace is that there is clearly no intent here to actually make a good film, and the ladies are good looking!
If indeed there was supposed to be a plot, here it would seem like three hot girls, who find any excuse to strip down to their bikini’s, are taken hostage by a group of villains who want their painting back from the bottom of a lake. Trouble is, in the lake is the Jurassic Shark of the title, a great big fake shark which has terrific powers: it eats people, can avoid making any ripples in the water when it is moving, and is able to jump on to a beach to swallow someone, and upon landing can somehow do a right back twist and summersault in the air and land back in the water, a magnificent animal! Oh, and it can jump over two hot girls in bikini’s in ultra slow motion to aim at a target further away than the girls, so clearly is extremely choosey about what it eats. And it roars, oh how I love it in these flicks when they make their sharks roar! As with all these shark movies of such high calibre, this shark too can change size from scene to scene, so instead of calling this Jurassic Shark, maybe it should have been called Wizard Magical Mutating Shark!
The acting here is dreadful, but that is to be expected, but there are a couple of scenes where the bad acting, editing and timing all come together in one dazzling display of ultra crapness that is far too rubbish not to mention here. Firstly is the very first shark attack where two (once again rather fine looking) girls strip down to their bikinis and enter the lake where this massive beast roams. Not too keen on the idea of getting wet (bizarre), the girls decide to splash each other, and this goes on and on and on for a good five minutes as they laugh and chuckle and tell the other to stop it. It really is hilarious, and oddly they seem to be moving deeper and deeper into the lake without actually moving. Suddenly they are too deep, panic sets in, what’s that??? Oh no, SHARK!!!!
The second truly awful scene is where the shark tips the boat the criminals are in and sends them into the water for its dinner. All get away but one, and as his fellow criminals make it to land and all of a sudden become dry, he gets eaten. The criminals look on, shake their heads in frustration and wave their arms about while trying desperately to look shocked. Instead they look like three people being told to pretend to look shocked while shouting at thin air. In short, they look like idiots! And this goes on throughout the film, so if this is your thing, and you want to grab yourself a pen and paper and have fun listings all the problems with this film, then be my guest. However, there is a good chance this might put your off movies for life, but it is guaranteed to test your patience.