Stash House (2012)
(15) Running time: 96 minutes
Director: Eduardo Rodriguez
Writer: Gary Spinelli
Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Briana Evigan, Sean Faris, Jon Huertas
Reviewed by: Matt Wavish, official HCF critic
So, what we have here is a thriller about a young married couple who have just moved in to their dream house. However, what Emma (Evigan) does not know is that her loving husband David (Faris) has bought the house on the cheap, and what neither of them know is that the building has a large stash of heroin in the walls (hence the title, clever that!). On their first night in their new house the couple get down to what any couple would want to do, however poor Emma cuts her arm on the wall and has to go to the bathroom to clean up. Meanwhile nosey David sees the walls are thin and decides to pull them down with his mighty strength! Oh my, look at all that heroin stashed in the walls, best they both leave the house and call the police while running away. Any sane person would have just called the police there and then, but had they done that they would never have met concerned neighbour Ray (Huertas).
Ray has lost a $20 dollar bet on the couple finding the drugs, and he now threatens them with his gun, forcing the couple back into the house and accidentally activating a sort of panic room security function. The entire house is locked down, Ray is outside wanting to get in, and big and scary Andy Spector (Lundgren) has come to join the party. Both Ray and Spector (ooh, spooky name!) have their reasons, and we now have to spend an hour and twenty minutes watching a simple story of men trying to get into a house dragged out to breaking point and back again. In case you hadn’t noticed I was being sarcastic, because if you can’t laugh at this film then you’re in real trouble my friend.
There’s nothing really exciting here, and the dialogue is just awful. The action barely raises an eyebrow, and the violence is very tame indeed. Evigan and Faris fail to nail the damsels in distress vibe, and instead just irritate with their constant stupid ideas and decisions, and all they ever seem to want to do is hug each other. Lundgren towers over everyone, and those hoping his big comeback after The Expendables is continuing will sadly find Stash House as one giant step back. The premise had me thinking “ooh, I remember Evigan being stuck in a house with a vicious tiger running around, and she spent the majority of that film not wearing very much”. Sadly the best thing about Burning Bright is not on offer here, and Evigan keeps herself covered up, so dammit I can’t even recommend this for eye candy either!
In fact, I can’t really recommend anything here! I guess, if there were two reasons to watch this then that would be for witnessing the longest crawl through a small tunnel ever in the history of film. The second reason is witnessing how police take pretty much the entire night to respond to an emergency call from a house in full on security mode, and then watching the idiots somehow disappear completely as the film reaches its (anti) climax. Oh man, this is not good, it’s not even a good Beer Movie, it’s not really anything. Now, what was it called again?… Oh yeh, Stash House, best avoid that one!