Camel Spiders (2011)
Directed by: Jim Wynorski
Written by: J. Brad Wilke, Jim Wynorski
Starring: Brian Krause, C. Thomas Howell, Melissa Brasselle
Camel Spiders (2011)
(15) Running time: 82 minutes
Director: Jim Wynorski
Writer: Jim Wynorski
Starring: Brian Krause, C. Thomas Howell, Melissa Brasselle
Reviewed by: Matt Wavish, official HCF critic
Where the bloody Hell do I begin with this? Written, directed and co-produced by Jim Wynorski, the man responsible for close to 100 films as director, his resume includes films such as Dinocroc VS Supergator, Komodo VS Cobra and tons of other stuff of the same nature. Wynorski’s latest, Camel Spiders, is up there with some of the worst films of all time. Roger Corman co-produces, and really, honestly you’d think this pair of veteran’s would know better by now. Clearly they don’t, and are still very happy to release B-Movie trash, and I say fair play to them, it is clearly what they enjoy, and in a bizarre way, the worse these movies are, the more fun they usually become. Camel Spiders fails miserably though, and where I can find enjoyment in pretty much all the cheap b-movie creature features, I didn’t find much here.
The film opens, and after some tacky but cool opening credits we literally are thrown into a massive gun fight between US soldiers and what I presume is The Taliban. About ten people from each side happily blast away at each other for well over a minute, never actually hitting anyone. Christ, even a US helicopter drops a bomb on the enemy, who carry on as if nothing has happened. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a US soldier is hit “MEDIC!!!!!” and a big gang of vicious, giant (ish) Camel Spiders come crawling over the hill ready to attack. Nothing is ever explained as to what exactly pissed these spiders off, or what actually made them so big, but here they are. Maybe the gun fight disturbed a birthday party or something, but they aint happy. Screeching and sounding like baby piglets, they attack the Taliban and drag them off through the desert. Screaming, it is clear each Taliban chap is not being dragged by a spider, and the actor is simply manoeuvring himself through the sand to make it look like a spider has him. Blimey, the bloody idiots even fire their guns in the air as they scream for dear life: just shoot the spider and you’ll survive, it’s not exactly rocket science now is it?
Hopefully this gives you an idea of what to expect, but it gets worse. The US soldier killed in the gun fight is suddenly on a military truck, and I believe we have now moved to Arizona. A sheriff is giving chase to a criminal, who crashes into the military truck at full speed, no one gets hurt, and the criminal suddenly becomes redundant. The sheriff offers the military soldiers help, and never once looks to see where his criminal has gone! The truck unleashes the camel spiders on US soil thanks to a baby spider crawling into the mouth of the dead fella. These horrible creatures breed very fast, and like to jump around the sand, screech like pigs, and jump on their prey. What they actually do to their prey is anybody’s guess, but you will have great fun watching the victims as they roll around the floor as if having some sort of seizure, clearly waiting for the spiders to be added through CGI later. And to spruce things up, later on blood is introduced!
With the spiders on the loose, we end up with the military and the sheriff helping some visitors at a diner which comes under attack: the owner, a rather large black man, takes out the rubbish and gets attacked, he literally screams like a little girl, and you will be laughing your ass off. So, the military protect these people and take them to safety, while a separate group of fossil hunters also come under attack and take refuge in a house in the middle of the desert. However, on one side is vast desert, and in the back garden is an actual green garden that looks like yourS or mine. Clearly not much thought has gone into this, and not much has gone into the script either: Military man- “Everybody stay calm!!!”, strange, panicky woman- “How are we supposed to do that? Those things are everywhere!!”, random guy who clearly relishes his only line in the film- “shut up stupid! Did you not hear what the man said!!” Yes, well, the script here will certainly not win any awards, nor will the special effects and the music is just awful. The acting, if you can call it that, is dreadful, and I would be embarrassed to add this film to my CV if I was in it.
Camel Spiders is not without its B-Movie, creature feature charms, and it does play by the “so bad its great” rules, but sadly leaves out the great. This is just a bad, bad film with nothing very likeable about it at all. I am usually a sucker for these sorts of trash films, and usually I really like them for what they are. Amazingly, even my ferocious arachnophobia couldn’t save this awful, awful film. This could, and should have been classic trash, but it is instantly forgettable. Now, what would have made this a classic would have been a true giant spider at the end, you know, the ones bigger than a house! Now, that would have been cool…
Rating: 
Be the first to comment