If you’ve seen the trailer for Scream 4 recently, you’ll see we have a new set of geeks replacing the role of Randy, who tell us that the rules of slasher movies have changed over the recent years. Well, here’s Bat’s guide to horror movies and how to survive a knife wielding maniac should you have the misfortune of encountering one:
1. Big breasts
If you have a major rack going on, you’re gonna get killed just to please the male audience. There’s nothing like seeing bouncing bosom pop out your blouse and get slashed to bits with a carving knife. It’s almost artistic.
2. Virgins can die too
Whether you’ve been at it like rabbits for years or you’ve been as celibate as a nun (not counting the cucumber), your lack of sexual activity will not save you. Murderers get an even bigger kick out of killing those who’ve not rode the pogo stick than those who’ve been on it that many times the spring’s broke.
3. The killer is someone you know very well. If you look at real life murderers, 9/10 they are someone the victim knew. A sad and awful truth.
4. Never be alone. The minute you split up from your friends or go alone somewhere is the time the killer will strike. A killer cannot be inconspicuous in crowds, so always stick together and arm yourselves to the teeth. I advise a rocket launcher to blow the mofo into smithereens.
5. Try and not make enemies. If you don’t upset anyone, there shouldn’t be a reason to kill you. Also, you’ll have more friends you can throw into the killer’s path should he jump out the closet and try to gut you with a bread knife.
6. The police cannot save you. The killer will usually bump off any police or security who happen to get in the way. The killer is smarter and is not scared of a man in uniform. An alternative suggestion is to get yourself a couple of dobermans and rottweilers. These will bide you some time.
7. If you are trying to escape, do not run plan to use a car. It will not start and you are locking yourself into a confined space. Avoid vehicles like the plague unless you have a R1 or Hayabusa to hand. Likewise, do not run into your neighbours house as you’ll probably find their remains splattered all over the walls.
Oh no… I’m stuck in a room, there’s no windows and no way out. The killer is breaking down the door. I need your help! The best 3 ‘rules’ that you guys suggest will be added to the Survival Rules and hopefully I can make my escape!
Phew, I managed to escape! With these final 3 rules, they finished off the 10 Rules of Surviving A Horror Movie
8. See the light switch? Use it! (Matt Wavish – very good point there! Don’t run around in darkness cos that’s just asking to be cut into bits)
9. There is ALWAYS A MOTIVE, and when the killer is revealed they can not help themselves to tell you their grand plan. While they blabbering along , just run, they be too busy talking to notice! (Ross Hughes – So true!)
10. Got a pet, especially a dog? Right take my advice, its midnight, your dog Benjis is by your side, all of a sudden his ears prick up and starts to growl…please do not think that he wants to go outside for a piss, that means there is a mad man outside wanting to stick something in you, and its not his xxxx! So do not utter the words ” come on then baby, lets take you outside for a pee pee!, because that bastard mutt will still be alive while you be dead! (Ross Hughes – they know killing an animal in a film is a big no-no, though it the animal is killed, you know the killer is an angrier and more terrifying enemy!)
😆 😆
Awesome!
Number 8: Here a noise, do not shout “Who is there?” and whatever you do, do not go outside, that means the killer and sneak into your home and suprise you…
Number 9: Bullied that ugly kid in school….now being tormented by phone calls, see that Handsome new boyfriend, yeah that’s it…..not so ugly now is he? and he also has a fetish for long knives…….
Number 10; There is ALWAYS A MOTIVE, and when the killer is revealed they can not help themselves to tell you their grand plan. While they blabbering along , just run, they be too busy talking to notice!
(I have loads more!) 😉
I like these. All good points. The motive one especially. “I could have got away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Number 11: Yes, you can have sex in a horror, it will please the viewers, but chances are you will end up dead, so keep it on your pants!
Number 12: See the light switch? Use it!!
Number 13: Don’t stop running, pick up the nearest weapon and wait for the killer to catch you up so you can try and fight him off. Just keep running, you dumb fuck!
Very valid point about the light switch!
Ha ha, this is brilliant! Will try to think of some more ‘rules’ in a bit……..
Number 14: Never say “I be Right Back!” because that means in the next three minutes you be dead!
Number 15; Got a pet, especially a dog? Right take my advice, its midnight, your dog Benjis is by your side, all of a sudden his ears prick up and starts to growl…please do not think that he wants to go outside for a piss, that means there is a mad man outside wanting to stick something in you, and its not his xxxx! So do not utter the words ” come on then baby, lets take you outside for a pee pee!, because that bastard mutt will still be alive while you be dead!
Number 16; Most Ghosts are real…please do not think you can catch them by a piece of rope and then rip of their mask to reveal that its the janitor! THIS IS NOT A CARTOON!
Number 17: If you lost in the woods while filming a documentary, STAY TOGETHER…..AND FOLLOW THE FRIGGIN STREAM…WATER RUNS SOMEWHERE, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO WALK AROUND THE WOODS FOR 12 HOURS BECAUSE THE CHANCES ARE YOU WALK IN A FULL CIRCLE! Do not say, “its best if I sleep outside the tent tonight!” WTF! There is a ghost of a mad bitch, and you WANT TO SLEEP OUTSIDE!”