Orcs! (2011) Out now on DVD and Bluray

Directed by: ,
Written by: , , ,
Starring: , ,


Orcs! (2011)

(15) Running Time: 78 minutes

Director: James Macpherson

Writers: Jason Faller, Anne k. Black

Starring: Adam Johnson, Brad Johnson, Maclain Nelson

Reviewed by: Matt Wavish, official HCF critic

I’m not really sure where to begin with this review as this was one of those films that, once finished, has nothing really that sticks in your mind. Nothing really stood out, the film just existed on my TV for 80 minutes, it finished and now I am desperately trying to think of how to tell you about it. I suppose the plot would be a good start and we’ll see where it goes from there. So, the plot: we centre of two park rangers who are simply credited as their actor names, Adam and Brad Johnson. They patrol a mountain park where the worst thing they need to worry about is local kids smoking dope. An old hag controls the park rangers radio and there seems to be a battle between one of the rangers and old hag for superiority. Said park ranger has an eye for the ladies, and both rangers brandish 80’s style moustaches. The weather is nice, as is the scenery!

One day the lower ranking ranger is cleaning out a local disabled toilet (I say local but its on the side of a road, why it wasn’t just for anyone to use I don’t know) and he leaves and then higher ranking ranger enters, shines his torch and spots a head stuck in the toilet. Now, I am sure one of them says something like “he must’ve been really scared to hide in there!”, I could be wrong, but my God that is awful writing. Anyway, turns out ancient Orcs live in the mountains, and for some strange reason, after all these years, they decide to attack. The Rangers suddenly have to carry guns and be all authoritative as they literally clear the town. In fact, they clear out so many that we only get to see about two, maybe three deaths on screen (sort of) so there’s never any real sense of danger. The danger is not at all heightened when you see the Orcs. Now, I’m all for men in monster costumes rather than CGI, but these chaps just look ridiculous. I have seen a tagline somewhere stating “makes the Lord of the Rings look like a walk in the park”, please please please do not be fooled by this statement. The person who wrote it was watching a different film, in fact they were probably watching Lord of the Rings and didn’t realise. Yes, the Orcs attack the town and face up to two Rangers and a blonde (gotta have the female there to keep the men interested!) and there are, oh, about ten to fifteen Orcs, so epic battle scenes these aint.

Thats really it, the film is unsure as to what it wants to be. It could be a great b-movie monster feature, but fails as it seems like its trying too hard not to be that, it could have been a comedy, but again, seems too desperate not to be one, it could have been a good horror, but there’s no tension and barely a drop of blood, and it certainly aint an action film as all the action comes at the end and half of it is in slow-mo. I feel I’m being to harsh here, Orcs! does have its good points, the banter between characters, especially the two rangers, is funny and charming at times, but becomes tiresome. The battle with the Orcs is overstaged, but if you look past the film trying to be good and take it at face value, I suppose its quite entertaining in its silliness and clear budget restraints. The film is a Friday night, lets get pissed and laugh at a film type movie, it aint very good, in fact its pretty crap, but a heightened level of stupidity brought on by one too many largers just might help you see the funny side.

Rating: ★★½☆☆☆☆☆☆☆


Avatar photo
About Matt Wavish 598 Articles
A keen enthusiast and collector of all horror and extreme films. I can be picky as i like quality in my horror. This doesn't necessarily mean it has to be a classic, but as long as it has something to impress me then i'm a fan. I watch films by the rule that if it doesn't bring out some kind of emotive response then it aint worth watching.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.