Film Writers “Right we have to really nail this film, we need to make it different to what is out there, this is a film about a guy with no Super powers who drives around in a flashy car. The last film that attempted this was The Shadow and we all know how they fucked up that!”
Junior Writer puts his hand up to get attention!
Film Writers “Yes your insignificant writer who has no hope in hell of a future in the film world!”
Junior Writer “Sir did you just say Green Hornet?…we are making Green Lantern!”
Film Writers “Are we?” Looks down at the wrong script! “Bastard” After a brief switch of script and look! ” Right we have to really nail this film, we need to make it different to what is out there, make it extravagant and intelligent, The Green Lantern is a superhero not many people know of, so we really need to make a film that gets the core of the audience in, lets not confuse them with difficult plot threads!”
Other Film Writer ” I got it, Millions of years before the Earth was formed, a group of beings called the Guardians of the Universe used the green essence of willpower to create an intergalactic police force called the Green Lantern Corps. They split the universe into 3,600 sectors, with one Green Lantern per sector. One such Green Lantern, Abin Sur, of Sector 2814, defeated the fear-essence being Parallax and imprisoned him in the Lost Sector on the ruined planet Ryut. However, in the present day, Parallax escapes from his prison. Six months later, after killing four Green Lanterns and destroying three planets, Parallax attacks Sector 2814 and mortally wounds Abin Sur, who escapes and crash-lands on Earth. The dying Abin Sur commands his ring to find a worthy successor on the planet.”
Film Writers “Excellent that is not too complicated at all! I can see that storyline reaching a mass audience!”
Junior Writer ” Sir, sorry to interrupt but do you not think that is a tad too complicated?”
Film Writers “Noooooooo you insignificant fool, we cast Ryan Reynolds and then who will care about the plot when we have the worlds most best looking man!”
12 MONTHS LATER!
Its a packed opening night at the cinema and once the film starts a comic book fan is sitting next to a film watcher.
Comic Book fan “What the Fuck?, is that Ryan Reynolds playing Hal Jordon?”
Film-Watcher “Yeah so?”
Comic Book fan “But he is Deadpool, not The Green Lantern!”
Film-Watcher “Who is Deadpool?”
Comic Book fan “WHHAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaattt…..did you not go and see Wolverine at the cinema?”
Film-Watcher “No I saw the pirate copy that got leaked on line months before it came out! It was crap!”
Comic Book fan turns his head in disgust and carries on watching the film.
Film-Watcher ” What is this bullcrap about Sector 2814 and intergalactic police force nonsense?”
Comic Book fan “Read the comics!”
Back to the film and where we see Deadpool, sorry Hal strutting his stuff in what seems like a Top gun intro until finally we get to the crashed alien plane.
Hal “My goodness you have a big forehead, I am supposed to look shocked and stunned that I have just bumped into an Alien but I am way too good looking to show remorse!”
Abin Sur “My fellow friend, the ring has found you, you should take it and go on a journey!”
Hal “Oh man, a journey? Not like those LOTR films please. I do not want to walk and walk on an endless journey just to chuck a ring into a fucking volcano.”
Abin Sur “You sound like Kevin Smith!”
Hal “Aye, but this film does not have a man sticking his dick into a donkey!”
Abin Sur “Perhaps it should, it might liven up the whole film!. Anyway take this ring and become a Green Lantern, all you need is to stick you hand into a lamp and say this oath.
The fact Deadpool does this without even questioning his own sanity makes every sane person sigh in disbelief, but the scene is worth the watch just to see the face of embarrassment on Ryan Reynolds who can not believe he agreed to star in this shit!
After visiting an Alien planet where the awe is gone thanks to the crap CGI that comes from the screen, we witness some more bland scenes with Deadpool flying around the air and poor old Peter Sarsgarrd turning into a bad guy who seems like the same character from the Hulk Universe!
Finally we get to the Superhero cliche of Superhero meeting his girlfriend.
Hal “Hi, I am the Green Lantern!, Can I hang upside down and you snog my face, it might liven this whole thing up!”
Carol “That was done years ago in a much better film!, and besides I am no Kirsten Dunst!”
Ryan Reynolds “I wonder if I could play Spider-man after this, I mean I have played every fucker else!”
Carol starts to look closer at Hal!
Hal “What are you looking at!”
Carol “You look familiar to me, oh my goodness, you are…..
Hal “No please don’t”…
Carol “you were Deadpool!”
Hal “Sorry who?”
Carol ” I mean you were Hannibal King the Superhero from Blade Trinity!”
Hal “No, do you think the makers of this film would cast someone in this iconic role who has already played two heroes of the genre, I mean come on that would be treating the fans of the comic books with disrespect!”
Carol and Hal both look at the screen and see that every comic book fan has left!
Film-Watcher “Will someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?”
Hal and Carol both shout “Read the comics!” Back to the film and Carol finally realises who he is!
Carol ” Its you Hal, you are The Green Lantern!”
Hal “How could you tell?”
Carol “By your cheekbones!”
Hal “My cheekbones?…..Clark Kent wears glasses and still Lois Lane does not see it, and you guess straight away. Are we really trying our best to piss off the comic book fan!
Carol “Who gives a shit, they have all left anyway!”
After more bland endless scenes where any normal fan wants to give up the will to live, the only jest of the plot can be summed up by this the, Guardians tell Sinestro that Parallax was once one of their own until he desired to control the yellow essence of fear, only to become the embodiment of fear itself.
Film-Watcher “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!”……
Comic Book fans “Read the com………saying that, we have not got a clue either!”
The film’s climax arrives and Hal is fighting Parallax in space, which means more crappy CGI to face!
Film-Watcher “Why is Van Wilder fighting what looks like a huge dose of brown shit in space”
Hal ” Why am I fighting what looks like a huge dose of brown shit in space, and who mentioned Van Wilder?”
A not very exciting finale sees Hal winning the day by having the sun suck off Parallax. Read into that any which way you want too. The film ends with Hal becoming a fully fledged Green Lantern and leaves it open for a sequel.
Film-Watcher ” I hope they do not make a sequel!”
Ryan Reynolds “What do you mean I am not going to be in The Avengers, I AM the Avengers!”….
Film Writers “We should have made The Green Hornet!”…..
Written By Ross Hughes
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