DIY Guide to Becoming a Deadite

With the release of EVIL DEAD in UK cinemas last Thursday, I decided to dig out my PVA glue and Blue Peter badge to give you my ‘DIY Guide to Becoming a Deadite‘.

First, we’ll concentrate on the clothing. Take a pair of scissors from your kitchen, walk into your bedroom and start violently stabbing and snipping at the clothes in your wardrobe. No need to be accurate, just go for gold! Now, take your hacked up clothes, pop them in a carrier bag and head to your local woods. Empty the bag of clothes on the woodland floor, preferably after a rainy day (which in England is a given!), and stamp and jump all over your rags. Hell, even throw them in the trees until they get stuck and give em a good ol’ tug to rip them down. Grab the ends of your clothing and give them a last swish round in the twigs, leaves and mud and voila! You’ve got the costume.

Now we’ll take a look at changing our face from a dropdead sexy human to a grotesque demon deadite. There’s a variety of ways we can attack this. If you prefer a bluey look, stick your head in the freezer compartment of your refrigerator for half an hour to 45 minutes, which will give you the icy tones you prefer. If you have a chest freezer, even better. Climb inside and have a little sleep til you’ve achieved the frosty blue tone you require.

Many of the deadites have abrasions to the skin, so to achieve this look, we’ll head back into the kitchen. Find a cheese grater, lemon zester or potato peeler and start to shave the utensil against your face. Remember to keep a firm pressure against the skin whilst grating. In the event you experience some pain, try chewing down on a piece of wood or plastic, so you don’t bite your tongue off. Although, a severed tongue would give you the edge in your Deadite look and be sure to win you top prize.

In order to get the cut effect all over the body, I recommend finding your nearest window and launching a chair through it. Collect up the broken glass into a table cloth and tie together at the end. Grab a hammer from your toolbox and smash the glass into tiny pieces. Now, go into your bathroom and pour the broken pieces of glass into the bath tub. Undress and climb in. It’s bath time! Violently roll around in the glass, making sure to cover your entire body. Shower cap and rubber ducky are optional.

Once you’re nicely covered in cuts and tears, the blood should flow naturally from your gaping wounds, killing two birds with one stone. Take the hammer, which you previously used, and choose which limbs you’d like to break. A broken ankle, a la Misery, always looks the business. I recommend breaking a couple of fingers too. If you find this too squeamish, ask a friend to help. That’s what friends are for.

Finally, to get that evil satanic stare, we’re going to change the colour of the eyes. Again, this can be done in numerous ways. If you have access to colour contact lenses, fantastic. However if you have not and you want to achieve the ultimate Deadite look, then all you need is one key ingredient: bleach. Head to your cleaning cupboard and pour out a cup of bleach. If you have those Optrex cups, even better! Hold the glass up horizontally, pressed against the eye, look forward and tip your head and glass back. You may feel a burning sensation, but this is perfectly normal. Repeat on the other eye to achieve the perfect look.

Congrats! You’ve become a Deadite! Your family won’t be able to recognise you after my superb guide.

Now it’s time to spook your friends and the unsuspecting public by going to your local cinema and watching EVIL DEAD, which is in UK cinemas nationwide now. Groovy!