Sharktopus (2010) by Matt Wavish (Pazuzu)

Sharktopus (2010)
Directed by: Declan O'Brien
Written by: Mike MacLean
Starring: Eric Roberts, Kerem Bursin, Sara Malakul Lane

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U87zVkIXNI0[/youtube]

(spoilers)

As this film begins you know exaclty the kind of territory we’re in within the first three minutes. A camera watches half naked girls on a beach, close ups of their behinds and ingnoring the fact there are even men on the beach! No complaint really, and one of our good looking females decides to go for a swim as her sunbathing friend decides she’ll just watch. In the water, swimming away without a care in the world, a shark fin suddenly appears and it looks like our swimming female is in trouble! Oddly enough, there is no noe else in the water, and her friend, without even looking in the direction of her swimming buddy, somehow spots the fin. She stands up, focuses, a look of terror on her face, her swimming friend also spots the fin, a shot of a badly photgraphed shark under water, back to the sunbather who is now stood strong and authorative as she screams out “Shark, somebody help!!”. Suddenly we realise that these actresses haven’t been paid, the girl is trying to get anyone’s attention but her voice is so croaky it sounds like she’s actually suffocating. How anyone can hear her is beyond me, but they do and everyone starts to panic but does nothing, just a load of running about. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, help arrives. The tentacles of a giant octopus appear, grab the shark and kill it, while, confusingly we suddenly see the head of another shark. Blimey, it must be a Sharktopus!!!

Eric Roberts has gone from excellent bad guy in the Expendables to this, and hear he plays a stupid bad guy as he, and his team of scientists have created the sea beast to assist the US Military in their war on drug runners. Maybe the filmmakers didn’t know this, but its the US Coast Guard that hunt drug runners on the sea, not the military, but hey, if you watch film’s like this to learn something then god dammit you need help! Now, as with all great monster films, the Sharktopus bangs his head on a boat and goes bad, killing everything in its path but for some reason heads to the beaches where the cameramen can spend endless hours filming half naked female sunbathers and swimmers. Before we get to the beach, the monster attacks two poor defensless ship cleaners who are perched on their hanging cleaning platform. As his mate is stabbed by a tentacle (since when did octopi have spikes on their tentacles) and silly looking blood splatters over the camera, the other man who likes like he’s NEVER shaved or cut his hair becomes the next victim. Firstly, you have to understand how funny this man looks, you can just make out two eyes with glasses, a nose and barely a mouth underneath all the facial hair and curly locks. Secondly, when he dies he pathetically cries “on no, not like this!” and then clearly jumps off the platform as the CGI tentacle is drawn in to make it look like the monster has pulled him off.

Eric Roberts and his team hunt the creature and the creature has the time of it’s life attacking sunbathers and swimmers. Considering sharks cannot actually breathe out of water, the monster spends a lot of time crawling over the beaches, clearly for added effect. Oh, and it makes noises, which sharks cannot do. Another MAJOR flaw is exactly how does this creature swim? With the second half of the body all tentacles there is no fins to propell it through the water! Bonkers, that’s what this film is, and if you can get past all the bad designs, awful acting, terrible effects etc then you just may find plenty to enjoy. I always liken these sorts of films to a child’s ideas being put to film, by a child. The ideas are clearly not going to work, but my god the filmmakers do their best to try. Seriously, if these guys were actually given a budget, they just might produce some of the finest monster films ever. Sadly they don’t have the budget and their films look crap, but just put these ideas in the hands of a big director with big stars, it would be awesome. Instead we have to put up with lines like “That was horrible” after a beach attack leaving half a dozen dead, and the reponse from the news girl is this “Sure, sure horrible”. Blimey, fuckin genius came up with that script! Or Eric Roberts turning to his best mate, drink in his hour of need as things go from bad to worse. The military commander demands “Are you drinking?!!” and is met with the reply “Yes i am!! Scotch, good scotch!!!”. Please!

The film is littered with perviness, from the camera focusing intensely on female bodies, to the old pervert who watches while a blonde uses one of those metal detector’s to find coins on the beach. She finds something, and instead of kneeling down to dig it out, she sticks her ass in the air and poses, wiggling her rather fine backside as the old man watches and dribbles. Not even the site of a giant Sharktopus dragging her into the sea can distract him! All the girls are clearly added as eye candy, so enjoy! You can also enjoy guessing what size the monster will be next time you see it. In one attack on hired killers, the shark pops out of the water no bigger than a dolphin, seconds later it attacks the boat and is the size of a feckin cruise ship, its brilliant! And in an attack on a more sensible guy who takes his shots carefully as to not waste bullets and generally seems a bit normal, he bellows “Damn you, you freak!”. You think? There’s screaming, LOTS of screaming but non more annoying than a girl bunjee jumping into the sea, she screams in ecstacy before being gobbled up in glorious fashion. Oh, and we also get a 24 style split screen for all of ten seconds, which the makers clearly thought was a good idea at the time, and then decided not to bother. But what would be REALLY interesting about this film is to watch it without the CGI Sharktopus and watch the cast scream and die with nothing there actually attacking them. Never in my life have i seen a film so badly done that you can clearly see the actors jumping off boats to make it look like a tentacle has dragged them off, or scream on a speedboat type thing and be gobbled up without moving their lips or even moving, and the best thing is watching the victims who get dragged into the sea. Watch them closely, why does it take SO long for them to be dragged into the sea? Oh yes, they are shifting their bodies backwards to make it look like they’re being dragged! Ah i see now, there’s no actual tentacle, its been drawn over the top, they’re actually moving themselves, oh it all makes sense now! I am being sarcastic because honestly, to watch this film without the CGI monster would be one of the funniest things ever put to film!

Rating: