Jun 302012
 

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Piranhaconda (2011)

(15) Running time: 93 minutes

Director: Jim Wynorski

Writers: J. Brad Wilke, Mike Maclean

Starring: Michael Madsen, Rachel Hunter, Shandi Finnessey

Reviewed by: Matt Wavish, official HCF critic

Produced by Roger Corman comes the latest SyFy Original movie, and the film see’s Corman once again working with director Jim Wynorski after the tragic Camel Spiders. In this latest monster mash-up we get a creature which is part piranha and part anaconda but all killer! Come on, you know what to expect, you know this will be crap, but will it be enjoyable crap? Oh hell yes it is, this is the perfect example of how to do a crap film good (if that makes sense), and while I would love to complain, there is far too much silliness on offer to complain seriously.

The opening credits truly set the tone for the film as there is no build up, just a sudden burst of music while the opening credits roll. The music sounds like a sort of rock and 70’s porn flick hybrid of music, with the chorus sounding like they should be singing “look out, here comes the Spider-Man”. What the woman is really singing is something like “look out here’s the Piranhaconda” or something like that. Trust me, if you don’t laugh at this then don’t bother watching any further,  but if you find it amusing then please, continue to watch because there’s tons more of this madness to come! Basically there is an island in Hawaii, the same island I believe is used by both SyFy and The Asylum for nearly all their creature features, and on it is this gigantic Piranhaconda. It lays dormant for years (to avoid detection apparently!) and every now and then it comes up to feed. We meet the beast in typical fashion as Michael Madsen’s egg hunter Professor Lovegrove (!!) finds his party attacked and killed by the monster, and he ends up stranded on the island. He doesn’t appear all that bothered, and just sort of accepts his fate. However it is his helicopter pilot who provides the most amusement. He looks into the trees, there is absolutely nothing there, no noises or anything, but he decides to panic and scream with his eyes wide open! It isn’t until he gets the chopper into the air that the monster actually appears. In true fashion the chopper is brought down and huzzah, cue stupid music!

There are a whole load of different plots going on here, each one ending up crossing paths with the Piranhaconda. Prof Lovegrove is kidnapped for ransom by a gang of criminals, there is a horror film being shot on the island with its own cast and budget issues which suffers its main stars  and director also being kidnapped, 3 girls are searching for a flower (each girl wearing a bikini top and rather lovely!),  and finally there is the couple on holiday. The couple are enjoying themselves while the man prepares to propose, the man appears to be permanently constipated and his girlfriend boasts a rather attractive figure. The guy does deliver one of the films (many) terrible one-liners: just before proposing he runs off the beach after telling his fiancée to be “hold the fort, I gotta go water the plants!” Off for a piss he goes! The on-liners come thick and fast, and the scripting here is just so hideous you simply have to see the funny side. I mean, as one of the ‘actresses’ from the horror flick is kidnapped, she roars at the criminals “this is kidnapping, really kidnapping!” Well duh! We are also given the chance to learn the catch phrase which made the horror films main star famous, wait for this for it is classic… take a breath.. ok here it comes “suck lead you hillbilly butt nugget!” Priceless!!

What we get during the films constant urgency for the next cheesy one liner or monster attack is a huge amount of over-acting from the cast, absolutely dreadful special effects, music that you will often forget is even playing, hot girls usually not wearing much and tough men who appear to have been laying dormant in some cheesy 80’s action flick just waiting for their chance to be on screen again. Basically, Piranhaconda is a whole lot of fun, fun that really shouldn’t be enjoyable, but it is. Watching a credible actor like Michael Madsen ordering a hot lady to give his eggs back by bellowing “hey, give me that, hey!” while attempting to drive a boat is just hilarious. Piranhaconda is the perfect example of ‘so bad its classic’ nonsense, and if you are into these sorts of films then you will love every stupid second. You will at the very least love the Piranhaconda attacks: victim stands still, screams and monster dives in to kill followed by a red mist (blood), and just like magic the victim disappears! For enjoyment purposes, I feel I should award this a high score, but honestly it is so bad I just can’t. Please just take my word for it, ignore the score and feel safe in the knowledge that this can sit comfortably next to previous ‘classics’ like Shark Attack 3, MegaPiranha, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus, 2 Headed Shark Attack and all the rest of them. Enjoy!

Rating: ★★½☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

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