The team behind Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus are at it again, lets make the shittest film ever, with even worse effects than our last one and dialogue that sounds like their dog wrote it, and hope that everyone gets the joke and enjoys it! Well, this film doesn’t quite have the same flare and fun as Mega Shark… but if you laugh along with it, you could have a near perfect beer movie. Try and take this seriously then shame on you! I mean, when you have a terribly made CGI Piranha shaking its head because a bomb just blew up next to it, you know you’re in silly territory
Here’s the so-called plot, the film opens with a god awful scene of a really embarrassed looking Asian bird stripping off and going for a swim, followed by her heavily tattooed boyfriend who is actually eating a sandwich one minute, and then taking his top of as soon as the camera pans back to him. Anyway, they become fish food in one of the most childish openings to a film ever! We then go straight to another attack, only this time we find out the film makers are actually out to prove they have grown up and are attempting a more mature and classy film. How do i know this? Well, this film has subtitles in some bits see, very classy! And the best part? They forget the subtitles half way through Genius!! Oh, and we are also introduced to characters in a professional way now, the film pauses on a black and white photo of the character as their name and occupation appears on screen, very Paul Greengrass! Anyway, a high up senator and his dodgy boat full of dodgy blokes and whores gets eaten by giant piranha and the US send in special forces to find out what happened. We are in a dodgy country (i forget where) and the authorities aint happy the US are there. This leads to some chase scenes, one has got a CGI helicopter (clearly couldn’t afford that one!), another our hero utters the words “This just got REAL!” as a car appears about a mile ahead to block them off, never mind the fact we are n hour into the film and the poor guys been chased for the majority of it!
Anyway, the piranha are eating people, growing, and if they hit salt water they should die. Thats the plan from the scientist guys, but clearly it goes wrong. A stand-off with the piranha on the edge of salt water sees the woman screaming “Oh no, oh no!!!” Yeh, thats what i would say as a hundred giant fish swam toward me! While she says it, they are crouched down, and her buddy, kneeled beside her, looks like he’s pissed, and i don’t mean intentional, he actually looks pissed! But, as the camera then shows our big hero guy watching the fish come, the pissed guy is STOOD next to him? Hows he do that then? Two different places at once? Oh, the film is full of fuck ups. One scene, where the police are hunting the scientists, the piranha attacks and kill one of the police, and so the camera jumps back and forth using the same piranha eating scene, followed by the EXACT same scene of the scientists panicking. Further on, piranha jump on the beach and attack an innocent bystander, and the woman scientist freaks out screaming “I just wanna kill them and bomb them!”, it just sounds so funny!
Some of the dialogue is so simple it hurts, but is so blunt you can’t help but laugh. A car chase sees the special forces hero driving and the woman scientist complaining they aren’t going fast enough, and suddenly his voice bellows out, drowning out every other sound “You should’ve got a faster car!” Another see’s all these special forces guys get together for one big assault in the sea, the piranha have now migrated to the sea and are getting even bigger, big enough to jump out the water and swallow a helicopter! Anyway, the head honcho of the unit explains how to use the weapons and armour and very cleverly states “You are now the best equipped against these fish, and thats all that they are!”. Really??? I thought they were fuckin elephants, and if all that they are is just fish, then why have you been called in to deal with them. They aint just fish, they are piranha the size of fucking hotels!!! Not something you normally come across is it
Ah, there’s’ just too many moments to mention, but i really must mention one more that had me falling off the couch with laughter! The hero man falls over on the beach and one piranha after another jump out the water to eat him, with his feet in the air he does a kind of invisible upside-down bike riding movement and kicks away one piranha after another! Come on, its genius!!! Terrible terrible acting, the worst effects you’ll see all year and some sort of jittery camera to make it look cool just makes it seem the camera man was either pissed or on acid, either way this is the best shit film since Mega Shark..
Sorry, but i have to mention the ending, its not like there’s a huge twist, or that it will spoil it because its highly unlikely you’ll be on the edge of your seat The hero man blasts just one of the piranha with his new big underwater gun, and all the other hundreds of hotel size piranha head back into the sea to eat the remains and everyone cheers and laughs and have a jolly good celebration! It would seem that by killing just one of the hundreds, humanity has won! It would seem that all along, all the giant piranha actually wanted to do was eat one of their own, and they will now head back out to sea and not bother eating again, they won’t get hungry and won’t be back. Fuckin bollocks!!! As soon as they finish eating they’ll head straight back to the beaches, but the government, the army and the special forces seem to think they did it, they fixed the problem and that they have won. As the hero man walks towards his superiors, with the sun at a terrible angle behind him meaning you can barely even see his silhouette, you realise that you have just witnessed quite possibly the dumbest ending in movie history It would seem the makers didn’t know how to kill off their own creation, and i’m guessing, didn’t expect any people watching their film to actually get to the end! Bloody hell eh? Silly me