The Human Centipede

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009)
Directed by: Tom Six
Written by: Tom Six
Starring: Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Dieter Laser

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

“When was the last time you saw a good Ass to Mouth movie?”…..

I have made a vow! Over the last few reviews I have mentioned a certain film way too often than I should. I am beginning to sound like Dante with his love for all things Audition, so for now, I will try not to even type that title into anymore of my new reviews, but as The Human Centipede has finallly entered into my collection, it is going to be quite difficult. Why? Well this film has came my way with a quite bonkers advertisement of probably being the most sickest film ever made. An horror like no horror, or as one critic put it, “An horror to end the gore-porn!“. You can understand then, why my horror tingles were going into overdrive. I mean could this really be the film that shocked me more than that certain film that I will not mention!

The Human Centipede, is a classic case of massive overhype. Yes, I enjoyed it, but to say its the sickest is totally wrong, I spent most of the viewing time with my hands covering my face, to stop the sound of my laughter spoiling it for my wife, because that is what I done for most of the running time, giggling at the daft plot as it unfolded and the stupid actions of these characters on screen!

It does not start well. Here we have two girls, Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) and Lindsey (Ashley C.Williams) on they way to a party when their car gets a flat tyre and they break down in the middle of a forest. With the usual “I can not get a signal” scene with a mobile, the film’s only big surprise is when we see headlights come towards them. There I am thinking that the film is about start, and this must be the mad doctor, we are confronted by a pointless scene of this German man, leering from the car, claiming he has seen these two girls in a porn film, and while they are asking for help, he is spouting what he would like to do too them. After he has wiggled his tongue a few times, he drives off, and then we have to watch these two girls take the decision to abandon their car and look for help through a dark forest! Seriously, I was only twenty minutes in and I was feeling the strain. Things then move forward when they see a light and come across a house, which is all alone, and far from nowhere. They are not too worried by this, and they run and knock the door. Here we see Dr Heiter (Dieter Laser) who stares at them for must be a minute without speaking, which somehow does not worry the girls who beg to come in.
Even though the Dr mentions he hates all humans, they still accept a glass of water off him, which any sane person would not do, and soon they are drugged out of their heads and tied to an operation table where they are later joined by Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura).

It seems the great Dr has an idea, where he wants to create the first human Centipede, which involves the three surgically stuck together from anus to mouth. Ah, yes, that old horror chestnut. When was the last time you saw a good ass to mouth movie? Anyway, that is it for plot. The film tries desperately to stretch its one selling point for the full ninety minutes. but fails to do it. Director Tom Six who came up with the idea of the film when discussing what was the best punishment for Paedophiles, uses tired plot vices to move the plot forward but all it did was frustrate the life out of me. When Lindsay manages to break free for the first time, she does it so easily that you can only question why she did not try it before. Also when she does escape, she does the most stupid and insane things possible, just for the film to pad out more screen time and it does not end there, with the film littered with many scenes of dumb tension.

Also and this shocked me more than anything, that apart from the subject matter, there is nothing of shock value. There is hardly no blood in the film at all we don’t even see the much anticipated operation, with the great Dr doing the procedure with a blink of the eye. Even the human centipede is not exactly a look away moment, with the actors most modest parts covered up, and the anus and mouth covered in bandages. Now I am not saying I would have taken a great delight in seeing the full effect, but for a film that brags about its shock value, well it is mainly mild, and this was the Directors Cut!

The film limps on to more nonsense developments. The police arrive and do everything wrong. They even say that the reason for their visit was that a neighbour heard an American woman scream by his house. Not bad hearing that, considering the house looks all remote, and if there was a neighbour, surely they would have seen three humans tied like a huge sausage walking up and down the garden…..and how does an American scream so differently to other nations? The Dr, even drops a syringe in front of them, but they just look at him as they know that the film has another twenty five minutes yet before they can actually use their brains!

The climax brings daftness to a whole new level! There is a huge plot/flaw that spoiled all the tension. I love to know how many more out there spotted it, but it does bring a final shot, that will bring tears of laughter at the poor outcome of one the poor victims. I bet she won’t be listening to “Stuck In The Middle With You” anytime soon!

OVERALL: Contender of the most silliest horror of the year. A perfect beer movie, but all gore hounds will be angry with the misleading “sick” title its been tagged especially with the lack of blood. It is ever so gloriously daft and worth a look for those who want a laugh………..

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