TIMBER FALLS: Review By Ross Hughes

Directed by:
Written by: ,
Starring: , ,


There is this Lumberjack who is sick of these tree huggers and decides to do a spot of killing?  While these people walk around the woods, he silently chops down the trees, killing those standing underneath them.  The motive is that he himself is the bastard offspring of that woman who got raped by that tree in the Evil Dead and so has vengence on all things with leafs and branches.    Ok not quite that but that idea alone shows more originality than anything else on offer here!

Also what was the noughties obsession with all horror films ending with the word Falls.  This completes the trilogy following in the wake of Cherry Falls and Darkness Falls but also failing to offer any fun that those films managed to offer especially the very underrated slasher Cherry!

Timber tries and maybe too hard to bask itself with a feeling of 70’s nostalgia.  The backwoods and those who enter was a common theme in the genre between the 70’s and early 80‘s and with the recent Texas Chainsaw remakes and of course the Wrong Turn franchise, this tries to jump on the bandwagon but unwisely abandons the theme of murderous inbred families by catching the tail end of the Torture boom, which already brings a sigh to all those reading this review!

Yes, its once again Saw recycled and that’s all you need to about what kind of horror you are watching.  Two really dumb and quite horny couple decide on a camping trip in a Virginian National Park and like all stupid horror characters, ingnore the missing people signs that litter the place and venture deeper into the woods.  Even ignoring the well known American Werewolf In London advice by keeping to the paths, this unmarried couple are so involved in themselves that they decide to have a bit of sex even before they put their tent up!  This of course gets the attention of a trio that  look like extras who have wandered away from the Deliverance set.

Of course, the impending doom that these three bring is quickly passed just so the couple can get back to the business of making love and for us to watch the slow motion love scene and just glad that this film is not in 3D!

Ignoring the Deliverance angle the danger comes in the form of a family who take the couple as hostage, marry them and then await for a child to be born.  Yes and I am not making THAT PART up!  Its as silly as it sounds.  A real daft movie that relies on Religious undertones and done such in a crass way that its quite easy to snigger as the events unfold.

With IVF treatment costing a fortune, the warped husband and wife ingenious (if you can call it that!) idea is to torture the couple into having sex every night until a pregnancy occurs, a punishment that not even Jigsaw as managed to come up with yet!  If they fail to consume this arrangement then the young couple get tortured for real even though the Father of the clan tries to convince them that they are “not violent people!” in a laughable exchange considering they just chopped off the poor young girls finger!

Timber Falls is as stupid as it sounds and borders on the ridiculous.  Familiarity lingers through every scene and the script is what you can only guess, cliche ridden.  A lack of urgency and sympathy for the couple is what weakens the horror in front of us, and while its watchable fare for the laughs it unintentionally brings, only those into the horror genre will find anything of remote to enjoy!

OVERALL: Silly with some very dodgy acting, how this got a cinema release is beyond me, especially when there are many better STD horrors that deserved a cinema run!

[pt-filmtitle]Timber Falls[/pt-filmtitle]

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About Ross Hughes 562 Articles
Since my mother sat me down at the age of five years of age and watched a little called Halloween, I have been hooked on horror. There is no other genre that gets me excited and takes me to the edge of entertainment. I watch everything from old, new, to cheap and blockbusters, but I promise all my readers that I will always give an honest opinion, and I hope whoever reads this review section, will find a film that they too can love as much as I do! Have fun reading, and please DO HAVE NIGHTMARES!!!!!!

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