2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)
(15) Running time: 87 minutes
Reviewed by: Matt Wavish, official HCF critic
It is difficult to decide if I should recommend this or not, because I fear if I recommend it, people might watch it and hunt me down and try and kill me. However, I feel a duty, I must recommend it, but let me make one thing absolutely clear from the beginning: this is recommended to fans who enjoyed Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus, Mega Piranha, Megalodon, Sand Sharks and countless other films of the same genre. This is crap, but 2-Headed Shark Attack is one of the finest crap movies I have seen in ages! Thanks once again to the madhouse that is The Asylum, we have quite possibly the greatest crap film of the year!
You should already know what territory you are in from the minute you press play, but just to remind you, the opening shark attack is all sorts of badness. Two sexy ladies skiing, three horny blokes driving the power boat waffling rubbish and doing their absolute best to look cool. Suddenly, oh what’s that giant shark fin that appears to have been computer generated by a two year old? Oh, no one has noticed it! Shit the girls have been attacked as the 2-headed shark jumps out of the water in spectacularly crap fashion, the ‘cool’ blokes panic, drive back to the scene of the crime. “There’s blood in the water!!” “Get the Hell out of here man!!!” They drive off, but wait, what’s happened, did the film just pause? Oh no, it was some shoddy effects as the shark seems to have bashed their boat and capsized it. Blokes in the water, sharks in the water, attack attack!! Blood everywhere, glimpses of rubber shark with bendy teeth, blokes pretend to fight it, scream as if they had just been ordered to or else their Mother gets shot by the director, then, wham!!! The title of the film, and we’re off!!!!
What a glorious start, and it goes downhill from there, but in a good way. We suddenly skip to a boat full of bikini clad hotties, a bunch of beefed up, macho men, a ‘serious’ lady boat driver, the expedition leader Professor Babish (O’Connell), Carmen Electra as his wife Anne, some geeky lad with fuzzy hair, and Brooke Hogan as Kate, the other serious woman who won’t stand for any shit. Why would she, her Dad is Hulk Hogan for Christ sake! Anyway, the camera painfully jumps from group to group, as awful music plays and the editing appears to have been done by someone suffering from a severe case of the jitters: the editing doesn’t flow at all, and often images appear on screen for a brief second, clearly meant to have been edited out but somehow made it into the final cut.
So, the boat drives into a shark, a ‘Megamouth’ according to Mr Geeky man with the fuzzy hair, and instead of stopping, the boat continues on as the whole group look on in amazement as their ship continues to pound, batter and pretty much kill the already half dead shark. Eventually Professor Babish uses a small stick to help it get free, but the 2-Headed shark is nearby, and watches as the dead shark ends up in the propeller of the boat, and causes the boat to pretty much stop working. Ah, dinner time for Mr 2-Head!! By the way, we never actually learn why this shark has two heads, we just have to accept it. What we do learn, from one of the crew of students, is that “2 heads means twice the amount of teeth!” Really!! You think? An island is spotted, and after a bizarre montage of ripples in the water and the students having a bit of a chin wag, they decide to use the lifeboat to head over there while the boat driver fixes the leak, two Spanish guys talk to each other, and Carmen Electra (who also chooses to stay on the boat) sunbathes in the most provocative way possible. It is clear why she is in the cast, but you won’t hear me complaining!
With the 2-Headed shark waiting for a chance to strike, he firstly kills off the lady fixing the boat in a terrific underwater attack which is just so much fun! Later though, the mean bastard interrupts a very enjoyable lesbian kiss between two of the girl students as they invite one of the guys to join them. You almost forget that a shark is getting closer, until the selfish sod attacks and ruins our fun! With the 2-headed shark out in the waters, often quite shallow waters I might add, the students explore the island, have a boat race, and wonder why the island keeps shaking as if hit by an earthquake. The earthquake scenes have to be seen to be believed as the cast all pretend they are in an earthquake and fall over, its priceless!
The script is dreadful, with lines like “something’s not right” “no shit, question is what and why”, or when a plan to save themselves from the shark takes shape and a chap bellows “it’s confused!!!” His bellowing drowns out everything else, brilliant! Or how about “mayday!! Mayday!! My boat is sinking!!!” Ah, there is so much to enjoy here it is painful, from good looking women, terrible script to the shark itself. It seems to change size every now and then, but the attacks, even though poorly produced, are just terrific to watch. See, that is what is great about these movies, with such a small budget and lack of talent, they put together films that dazzle and amaze in their ambition, and you just cannot help but love them. Its full of mistakes, like the boat race to the main boat where the two racers never seem to actually get any closer to the boat they are heading for, or when a flare is shot into the air the passengers on one of the racing boats look up and suddenly they are not in the sea, and appear to be in a pool with almost bright green water and no waves.
There’s the all important shark ‘roaring’ noise, half the actors appearing either drunk or totally taking the piss, shoddy but brilliant effects, gorgeous ladies, villains, a man who constantly tenses his muscles, Carmen Electra sunbathing, a sinking island, a shark with two freakin heads, a speed boat race, action, comedy, lesbians, shark attacks, all in the worst possible way, what more could you want?