Texas Chainsaw 3D: The Hughes Verdict!

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
Directed by: John Luessenhop
Written by: Adam Marcus, Debra Sullivan, Kirsten Elms
Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Dan Yeager, Tania Raymonde, Tremaine Neverson

FILM: Texas Chainsaw 3D

DIRECTED BY: John Luessenhop

STARRING: Alexandra Daddario, Dan Yeager, Tremaine Neverson, and Tania Raymonde.

RUNNING TIME: 92 Minutes

RATING: 18

OUT NOW TO RENT AND BUY!

Sample picture The Hughes Verdict

I really need to start this review with a single word.

“SORRY!”

There you go! “Why?” Well I do try to write my reviews without lowering the tone, without filling sentences full of swear words, I mean its uncalled for and it may easily offend those who do not like to say or even read any bad words. If you look back at the many reviews that I have wrote for this wonderful site, then you see that I have tried to keep it professional and in a good natured manner, not to upset our readers or my boss (Bat) who is forever screaming at me in the office to keep calm. But its hard for me to button it when I see something that not only insults me, but also my fellow horror fans and lets be honest, Texas Chainsaw 3D is one of the most fucking awful pieces of diabolical shit I have ever witnessed.

This is a kind of movie that gives horror and most notably horror sequels a bad name. Not only does it insult the whole franchise of Leatherface, but the writers must be really high on fucking dope if they think they can get away with the most glaring of plot holes that I have ever witnessed in my life. Its not just an insult that they actually wrote it and thought that we would not notice, but it really takes the piss of the highest order as what they have basically done is treat us, those who pay the money to see this film, as a bunch of idiotic thick twats who they believe lack any ounce of intelligence because we watch films like this, we probably would never have noticed. Why? Because we horror fans, we not the ones who watch high brow films, we are just a bunch of unintelligent fools who watch any old shit!

Well you know what…. I think I speak for many who have bare witnessed to this film and thought “Screw you”.

If you have no idea what I am talking about then we simply look at the character of Heather.

As you can see, a very pretty girl who carries that top really well. “What’s the problem?” Well Heather is 22- 23 years old in the movie. The year is 2013! BUT….she was born in 1974! Which should make her 38-39……..! Can you see the problem here?

The most clever part of the film and the only interest of note is the opening ten minutes which is surreal and very intelligent. The film starts with the events of the original (set in 1974) and what we see and cleverly done is new scenes added in which shows what happened minutes after the end of the first film. What we witness is the family of Leatherface gunned down by the locals and where only a baby survives (Heather) and is taken to be raised by a family in the city.

Cutting now to the present time and Heather who is looking really good for a woman hitting her 40’s, is told of an inheritance left by a Grandmother she never knew, a house in the middle of nowhere and so she does what any other teen/middle aged or what the fuck she is, woman would do and grab horny hot teenagers (which is kind of sick and wrong if she is forty) and head off to see her new home!

What follows is the well worn path of bad acting, even worse acting, even worse than that acting and of a course a deranged man living in the basement, a man who likes to dress up, puts other human’s skin on his face and loves to get out his long hard tool and give it a good seeing too.

Texas Chainsaw is bad!

Its not even laughable bad! Its purely a piece of cinema dog shit that doesn’t even deserve to be looked at by fans of the original. There are moments on show that were surely written and then shot, just to see how far the makers of horror could go until they annoy horror fans. I mean was this film made as an experiment. To see how much awful rubbish they can show before we the fan say “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!”

Take the Carnival scene. I mean come on. Was I watching Scary Movie 9 or something? Have I bought a film that has one half of Texas Chainsaw and the other with Scary Movie 9 tagged on at the half way point. The Carnival scene in my eyes is one of the worst moments in horror cinema history. There is Heather, running around screaming and shouting through a packed Carnival with Leatherface chasing her, waving around his beloved Chainsaw and what do the people around her do??? Nothing! They don’t blink, don’t run, they just carry on as if its part of the entertainment. What a load of bullshit!

And to think it even gets worse.

The finale has one of the most bonkers twists I have seen in a long time. Those who criticise Switchblade Romance for that deranged ending will never again after seeing what develops here. Its not so much of a heart stopping twist, but a complete character change around that those who made this film, want us to start to feel sorry for Leatherface!

Yes you read that right…. they want us to feel sorry for him!……

Hello?? Is there anyone still reading?

The worst part of Texas Chainsaw is that underneath the madness and mess, somewhere you get an idea that there was an interesting notion behind the plot. By making the town folk and not the clan of Leatherface evil is a sort of twisted ingenious that perhaps this much criticised franchise needed. The opening ten minutes suggest something clever is afoot, but what we get instead is a film that is soooooooooooooo bad, it will make you want to reach out and grab your copy of the 90’s sequel Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation that starred Renée Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey, which up until now was considered the worst of the franchise.

After this diabolical excuse, Renee and Matthew will be proud!

Rating: