Whether you like it or not, Halloween is as big a deal as it’s ever been and 2017 is set to be a record-breaking year for the holiday – retail spending is projected to be a whopping $9.1 billion and with 179 million people celebrating the holiday across the US, one would hope you’ve already got your costume idea ready. One thing’s for sure, you’re bound to see a few Zombie efforts knocking around, especially from disgruntled teenagers who have already perfected the 1 mph shuffle and are virtual experts when it comes to replicating the moans and groans associated with the living dead. With Season 8 of the AMC’s hit show The Walking Dead recently returning to screens, Rick and the gang have done pretty well at shaking off the hoards of zombies that have been plaguing them for the best part of 7 years. This inevitably begs the question, how would humanity actually cope with a zombie apocalypse? Are zombies really as much of a threat as they’ve been made out to be in the horror genre throughout the last half century or so? I somehow doubt it.
Zombies Are Mostly Slow, Cumbersome and Awkward
I accept that more recent efforts including 28 Days Later and World War Z have incorporated zombies into their films which are faster, more efficient and deadlier than their awkward limping counterparts. However, this was more than likely done to stop the genre from going stale as opposed to anything else – after all, NBC reported back in 2011 that zombies were worth around $5 billion to the US economy alone. Let’s face it, zombies are virtually brain-dead and one-track minded – it’s a bit of a stretch to envision one jogging after you like Sir Mo Farah when their bodily functions have all but shut itself down. Right? Right.
I’m almost certain that I’d be able to outrun anything that came my way and if not, there a far too many ready-made zombie-proof barriers throughout the landscape of the modern world. Even if zombies weren’t experts at wandering aimlessly off cliffs during the daytime, the night would take care of them (as far as I know, their diet doesn’t consist of enough carrots to be able to see in the dark).
We Are Far Too Well Prepared for Zombies
Zombies are so well known and prominent throughout pop culture that we would be be able to predict their every move and be ready for almost every possible eventuality. Popular trading marketplace eBay actually has a number of zombie survival kits for sale but be warned, they mostly contain sweets and love hearts so unless your zombie is a diabetic then you might be better with a gun. Zombies have also slowly (very slowly) made their way onto the gaming scene, with a number of video games available for various platforms like Days Gone or DayZ as well as an online slots game where you can play as a survivor or a zombie and prove me wrong by killing everyone in sight in the game’s survivor mode. If you want further proof that we’re fully engrossed in zombie culture then you need to look no further than the wide range of zombie-related shirts available. In fact, we’ve become so obsessed that we even want to carry zombie to work. Wow.
Animals v Zombies? – Animals By TKO in the 2nd Round
Zombies are essentially walking carrion and would represent a tasty meal for most predators out there. Make no mistake about it, there are undoubtedly enough wild animals out there to easily dispatch the undead – bears, vultures, bison, wolves and jaguars to name but a few. In fact, you might consider adopting a pet Jaguar in the event of an apocalypse as they are arguably the ultimate zombie-killing machine. With their bite delivering around 2,000 pounds of pressure per inch, (the strongest bite force of any cat by some margin) chewing through a zombie skull and brain would be akin to you tackling a couple of Haribo cola bottles. I know what you’re thinking, “There aren’t any bears or real blood-thirsty predators where I live.” In that case, I see you raise insects, bacteria, mould and fungi or any other member of nature’s very own compost clean-up crew. Zombie buffet anyone?
Hopefully We’ll Never Need To Find Out
Despite my confidence in our ability to easily dispose of our undead brothers and sisters, there would undoubtedly be casualties no matter what the outcome and I don’t fancy ‘death by zombie’ going on my death certificate. The optimist in me is confident that an apocalypse is all but a distant fantasy but then again, junior officers in the Department of Defence actually drafted a pretty comprehensive plan back in 2014 for dealing with a zombie invasion. Whilst they assure us that it was an entirely fictional exercise, who can really be sure anymore? Nevertheless, we’ve all watched the films, seen where our favourite characters have gone wrong and eventually been eaten (RIP Dale from TWD) and know exactly what it takes to send the zombies to, well, wherever they go once they’re killed. I’m confident that together, we could defeat the hoards of the undead and go back to enjoying our normal, everyday lives without too much trouble. Well, not me, I’ll be waiting in the corner but you get the idea.