Titanic 2 (2010) by Pazuzu

Titanic II (2010)
Directed by: Shane Van Dyke
Written by: Shane Van Dyke
Starring: Bruce Davison, Marie Westbrook, Shane Van Dyke

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxEqaSGzpgc[/youtube]

Those guys at the Asylum are at it again. Can they possibly make a shitter film than their last one? Damn fuckin right they can! The usual poor quality is drenched all over this awful but strangely enjoyable film. What i love about the Asylum films is that they have such massive ideas but no budget and no idea how to deliver. Titanic 2 is exactly that, an almost copy of James Cameron’s with no budget, no stars, awful special effects and a script that may have been written by a baby. But it has charm, and in a weird, cheap and tacky way, it’s highly enjoyable!

Some rich dipshit who is followed round by a group of sexy, hot girls who wear the same outfits throughout the entire film has come up with the idea of building another massive ship like the Titanic. Clearly not learning from the mistakes of the first ship, it’s almost identical and is about to set off on a history making voyage. His ex-girlfriend is onboard, she is a nurse and her Dad is a sea Rescue commander. They often look at each other with love in their eyes so you know where the story leads. The creator of this new ship walks around the decks and below with his incredibly dated long hair, supposedly looking like a rich, clever man but looking more like an idiot trying to act and doing an incredibly bad job. The girls following him put on the sort of smile’s you get a Weddings when everyone’s been “smiling for the camera” for 4 hours, in other words, false and forced, but damn they look good! Anyway, the ex-girlfriends Dad (look, i didn’t really take note of any names here) has been called out to an accident somewhere that looks like the North Pole. The usual Global Warming story comes into play as a massive block of ice dramatically falls into the sea and sets off a tidal wave, which looks more like a small ripple in the ocean really. Anyway, while investigating, they walk on the ice, only for someone to drop something which causes the ice to crack. The rescue team have met up with the usual so-called geological experts, who look thick as shit and can barely pronounce their words! The ice cracks, and as they run, clearly not actually there and in front of a possible green screen,( in fact, it looks more like one of those computer games you’d get on the good old Commodore 64 back in the day), one of the crew quite literally disappears from site. In one of the funniest scenes I have see all month, he runs, stops as a crack appears below him, and then he’s gone, he turns into a paper cut out of himself, and the picture of him quite literally vanishes, I presume he fell down the hole because he screams out. No one cares, and they head off on their helicopter.

The next block of ice will be disastrous, and guess what; Daddy is worried for his daughter’s safety knowing she is on the doomed Titanic 2 with all the rich, bad actors who hang around in the background of shots, motionless making the ship looked packed. Funny then that you keep seeing the same faces, doing the same things! After the first wave hits the Titanic, tipping it over, everyone panics, the lifeboats don’t work and the usual mayhem follows. One of the stewardesses is trying to tell everyone things like this don’t happen often (duh!!), the man who created the ship is beaten up by a passenger in a hilarious scene “It’s all your fault!!”, and the ship being turned over by the wave looks strangely like those plastic ships you used to play with in the bathtub as a child! Daddy rings his nurse daughter with this devastating news “The next wave is gonna be bigger, when it comes it’s gonna be big!!” Fuck me, who the hell wrote this script! It gets worse, another scene see’s the helicopter pilot spring into action to go and rescue the passengers on Titanic 2 “Let’s get this cigar smoking!!” What?? The film is littered with awful moments, bad scripting and terrible effects. It has some good looking women, but stupid heroes who don’t have a brain cell between them! There is a funny looking blonde who is supposed to be sexy but her chin is too big, so all you really notice is her great big chin, and there’s a black man who looks like a tramp who is in charge of the rescue call centre, he has about two teeth and to understand him you would need to have drunk about ten cans of special brew!

Passengers hang on for dear life, generally doing the same thing in the background for the whole disaster. One man is crouched down, staring at the floor for an entire scene, it’s like they were all ordered to NOT move, but just be visible for effect in the background. It’s a blast, stupid, crap but a lot of fun. What is even more impressive is how the ENTIRE ships passengers and crew disappear come the end and we focus on the rescue of just one man and his ex-girlfriend. They share a clinch, copying the Abyss, as one takes the oxygen under water while the other agrees so drown, and my god do they go on and on, staring at each other with fake love to over dramatise the situation, it’s almost funny! Oh, and don’t get me started on the treacherous journey across a hanging pipe, some spilt water and an electricity cable gone haywire! If the Asylum guys know how to actually make films, then they would be slightly scary! For now, we can just enjoy them for what they are intended to be, crap!

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