(15) Running time: 77 minutes
Reviewed by: Matt Wavish, official HCF critic
Really don’t know where to begin. This is just dreadful, and Hughes pretty much summed it up with his wonderful review a few weeks back. The film starts with Danny Dyer struggling to deal with the death of his Dad who died while serving his country in Iraq. Dyer (i forget his characters name, but you wont really care) joins an anti-war group at college and they Set off, the five of them, into the country. I have actually forgotten where they were going, but anyway, they stop, a Muslim actor from Eastenders takes a girl off for some action, behind his pregnant girlfriends back, the other two girls just ponder, and Dyer needs a piss. They find a hole in the woods, climb down it, get lost, get chased and some great big finale leads to nothing really, and the final twist is more painful than surprising because it means the film still hasn’t finished!
Mixing anti-war messages into horror is just low, i think. It angered me alot because it was just stupid, and yes we can have political horrors, i have no problem with that, if they’re good. But this is so bad the whole thing just really pissed me off! Dyer’s acting is, well, dyer, its dreadful. Its like the director fed him sleeping pills, he sounds like he’s half asleep and struggles to put more than two words together, all in his cockney accent and while frowning. I have this theory, see, that Danny Dyer isn’t actually called Dyer, and that he was forced to use this name at acting school because he’s so bad. Don’t get me wrong, i like the guy now and then, and i still think Human Traffic is his finest role, but here, christ, i’ve seen pebbles with more personality!
Seeing the Indian guy from Eastenders and the girl run off for some sex is a joke aswell. They hold hands, and kind of skip, in almost slow motion, like two fuckin 5 year olds. The whole film feels like its been slowed down and there is absolutely NO tension, NO horror, no nothing. It just plods along as the characters do one stupid thing after another. I mean, your lost in tunnels underground, with no phone reception. What do you do? Split up! Genius! So, if someone finds the way out, how do they contact someone to tell them? Oh, and the script! Girl says to Dyer “i need to go to the toilet” Dyer replies “well……..go…….then……..”, girl replies “there isn’t one”, we then have a LONG pause as they stare at each other, waiting for the next actress to come into the scene.
God this is awful, i reckon a school play would look better, it would certainly be better acted. Please please please don’t watch this, don’t buy it, don’t rent it, fuck, if you see it on the shelf of your local shop, i suggest you spit on it! In fact, i’m up for finding out where the directors live (they’re brothers see) and killing them!