The Dead Want Women (2012)
(15) Running time: 74 minutes
Director: Charles Band
Writer: Charles Band, Kent Roudebush
Starring: Jessica Morris, Eric Roberts, Ariana Madix, Jean Louise O’Sullivan
Reviewed by: Matt Wavish, official HCF critic
The trailer for this intrigued me, however as is becoming considerably more prominent these days, the trailer promised far more than the film could deliver, and I got robbed again. See, the trailer promised some laughs, some nudity and Eric Roberts playing a zombie/ghost, and yes we do get that but man you don’t get anything else. You might get a headache, or if you are suffering from insomnia I reckon this would be a good cure for it, but apart from that The Dead Want Women is a silly, stupid film that should be burnt.
I love cheesy horrors as much as the next person, so long as they are actually fun, but there is little fun to be had here so if you do feel the need to watch, then approach with caution.
The interesting plot is as follows: in the 1920’s a silent movie actress is annoyed that she is not exactly relevant anymore since silent movies are becoming less and less. In her anger she devices a sexual experience where she can kill all those who have pissed her off, including herself. Back to present day and two rather fine looking ladies are attempting to sell the mansion where the murders took place. Waiting around for their client, they decide to have a few drinks and tell us exactly what has been happening in the house all these years: its haunted, and those ghosts (or are they zombies) come back on the night the girls are there, and “they want women!”
The opening scenes are quite cool, with some slapstick comedy, vengeful characters and lashings of sex, nudity and violence, but this is over pretty quick. The film then descends further into all out crap as the present day see’s the two girls just talk, and talk and talk. Fair enough they are pleasing on the eye, but blimey do they talk! The house itself, standing untouched since the 1920’s, appears in perfect condition and doesn’t look haunted at all. Eventually the ghosts/ zombies turn up and they simply want sex, a chase ensues and that is pretty much it.
The acting is truly horrific, far more frightening than any of the so-called horrors included in the actual film, and it is embarrassing to see the great Eric Roberts stoop so low. The script is dreadful, and pretty much none of the jokes actually work, the characters are badly written and feel painfully fake and forced, and I found myself cringing far too many times at just how bad this film actually was. In fact, it begs the question “just who the hell thought this was actually a good film and worthy of being released?” But it gets worse: the makeup is quite possibly the scariest things here. The makeup artists only managed to cover the actors faces, so the so-called dead have perfectly normal arms, legs and necks. It would appear that only their faces have suffered from nearly a hundred years of decay. Even more fascinating is that their eyes are perfectly normal too, and also the lines around their eyes appear young-ish. Hell, their silly stupid faces even wobble when touched, and look faker than an 80’s fake horror doing its very best to look fake!