Jurassic Attack (2013)
(15) Running time: 83 minutes
Director: Anthony Fankhauser
Writer: Rafael Jordan
Cast: Gary Stretch, Corin Nemec, Vernon Wells, Natascha Berg, Michael Worth
Reviewed by: Matt Wavish
If you are a fan of Z-movie creature features like Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Mega Piranha, Sharktopus and all the rest in that particular genre, then Jurassic Attack is perfect for you. A Z-movie and proud of it, the film is directed by Anthony Fankhauser and his producing credits should give you an even better idea of what to expect: 2-Headed Shark Attack, Dragon Wasps, Sand Sharks, are you getting the picture?
If you know what you are getting yourself in for, and you know that Jurassic Attack is going to be complete and utter tosh, then you can bravely watch this and have a lot of fun. It is awful, but proud of its awfulness and it shoves clichéd line after clichéd line in your face with the utmost cheesiness. Characters do their best to actually look like they are acting, rather than doing their best to look natural, and quite often the timing makes the terrible staging of the events even worse (witness a man about to get punched in the face pause himself why the other actor prepares to punch him). People with guns shoot at nothing, and rarely actually aim at their target, and the CGI dinosaurs just kind of drift around in impossible places, and actually look like someone has placed them in after filming, rather than actually trying to make them look like they are there. We will come back to the complaints in a moment, but let’s give you the plot shall we.
A team of commandos head to an island to take down a terrorist, and their chopper gets shot down, leaving the team in the middle of the jungle which is inhabited with dinosaurs. They must make their way across the island to safety, trying desperately not to become a T-Rex’s dinner. On their way they discover a scientist with long hair who has been living with these beasts for quite some time. He likes to wave his hands around when talking, and believes the dinosaurs are a peaceful, gentle breed who won’t harm anyone. Watch in amazement as he stands next to a sleeping Triceratops, waves his arms around and for some reason stamps on the floor. This wakes the dinosaur which then gives chase. Clever man this scientist!
That really is all there is to this plot: nothing is ever explained about why the dinosaurs are even here, and strangely, the commandos don’t even seem all that bothered that a breed of monsters thought dead for millions of years are here on the island. They kind of look at the dinosaurs with a gentle, passing glance as if everything is totally normal, and they can take down a Velociraptor with a simple hand knife. Better still they can take down a T-Rex with a pistol! Ah the joys of these totally baffling, totally insane movies where absolutely no logic is involved whatsoever.
Jurassic Attack is stupid, silly fun and is great for all the wrong reasons. If you watch this with a serious head on then you are going to absolutely hate it, but watch it with a child-like sense of wonder, then you just might get some enjoyment out of the silly plot, awful action scenes and horrendous CGI. Gore hounds will also love the fact that the bloodshed in this film turns into a sort of red mist when a human or dinosaur is cut open. The blood sort of squirts out, and then just lingers in the air as if the effects team weren’t sure what to do with it next. The blood stays in the air long after the victim has collapsed, so this island may have some sort of deep dark secret gravity machine that causes blood to float. The island also has other magic powers: it makes dinosaurs change size, it also makes them almost invisible to the point where the characters are looking in the wrong place when they are shooting at one, the island turns actors into wooden characters, and can even make a script writer turn into a six year old. Jurassic Attack has some pretty impressive powers, shame they all make the film worse rather than better!