ALL GIRLS WEEKEND (2016)

All Girls Weekend (2016)
Directed by: Lou Simon
Written by: Lou Simon
Starring: Gema Calero, Jamie Bernadette, Katie Carpenter

Now Available on DVD and Blu-ray

Alone and afraid in the wilderness, a panic stricken woman and a young girl find themselves on the run from malevolent forces. The sort of unseen evil that makes spooky chanting sounds but is always invisible to keep the budget down. To nobody’s surprise the voices demand a blood sacrifice. I’ve always thought an autumnal forest setting offers all kinds of possibilities for a no frills production like this. But I guess it’s not a big shock when the same old clichés are utilised. There’s little in terms of creativity even though the makers seem a bit sure of themselves; after the prologue a poster for the movie itself is prominently displayed in an apartment. Avant garde forth wall break or weird vanity? You be the judge.

It’s admittedly quite tough to be positive about many of the film-making decisions on display here, particularly when it comes to the cast. After a lot of overly loud music we get to meet our band of characters, who are of course getting together for a hiking trip. It will also be a school reunion for them. While the Evil Dead influences are plain to see the other main source of inspiration seems to be another great outdoors trip gone wrong, The Descent. However I’m afraid that unsettling drama and interesting characterisation aren’t elements that will be included here. Instead we are treated to a truly abominable level of acting and a script almost exclusively made from banal dialogue. All the small talk and complaining isn’t compelling, and neither are the dull character backstories and high-school grudges.

One is a smoker, one used to get teased for being fat, one wasn’t even invited, you get the idea. These simple elements are as deep as things go. Within the woods they try out a grand total of one team building exercise before heading out. Some more of this would have been welcome but I guess the budget was already very thin. The group should really be taking things easy but a mystery trail is on the cards. This is at the insistence of Daniela (Katie Carpenter) despite no real planning and an obvious lack of proper hiking paths. It’s of course here that things start to go wrong. After walking for a while the trees all start to look the same and it seems as though sinister forces are making them go in circles.

Maybe they’ll come across something of interest that will make the trip more sinister? Expecting anything like that would be a mistake. Instead the story focuses on the laborious nature of their journey. Walking, sitting, complaining; it’s a white knuckle ride. Eventually they do come across an abandoned shack, but for some reason very little of note actually happens here and it’s more of a night time stop over than a set piece showcase. Later as things begin to unravel there are some attempts to include elements of an actual horror story. But somehow when these moments finally come along things start to get even worse.

You’d be forgiven for anticipating a few horrific camping accidents or harrowing moments in a haunted shack from a film of this kind. But the writers don’t seem entirely focused on either supernatural thrills or the gritty horror of being lost without food or water. A vague curse plot is thrown around without much explanation and it’s mostly nonsensical. Despite one of the characters reading a pamphlet about it at an earlier rest stop things are pretty vague. Is the land like this because of pollution? Who wrote these curse cliff notes? It’s not clear. The survivalist nightmare isn’t particularly edge of your seat stuff either, so in the end nobody in the audience wins. Except those who want a few laughs at what is included here I suppose.

Gem (Gema Calero) is the accident prone member of the group, if that counts as a defining feature. After stopping for a bathroom break she wipes herself with poison ivy and gets a rash. Things get worse when she bathes her hand in a stream which gives her frostbite. After ten seconds of what must be cold but still liquid water, she starts to lose feeling in the hand and her fingers become black and dead. Is the water cursed? Drinking it doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s kind of hilarious and the effect is amplified when she exclaims ‘who’s gonna date me now I don’t have fingers!’ It’s a magic moment in an otherwise dull experience. Elsewhere the hikers have their expedition impeded by very minor trips that cause very serious impalement by tree branches. Right before an evil spirit summons leaves to bury them.

Eye popping horror deaths these are not. It’s a welcome break from the juvenile in-fighting and teenage regrets at least. Eventually the cursed land plot builds to an ill conceived finale, but it’s hardly a show stopping finale. All the familiar ingredients are here but nothing is executed properly and there’s never enough focus on the horror or the lore involved. There’s never an ounce of charm, something which helps the lowliest independent film tread water. For such a brief running time the whole thing really drags. Too much of it is spent with unsympathetic characters who wander in circles in between their angst breaks and they all take far too long to die. The end result it’s all just another poor imitation that lacks the complexity or the pure splatter power of it’s predecessors. Take a rain-check and avoid this woodland excursion.

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