SLASHER.com (2017)
Directed by: Chip Gubera
Written by: Chelsea Andes, Chip Gubera
Starring: Ben Kaplan, Chip Gubera, Jewel Shepard, Morgan Carter, R.A. Mihailoff, Rebecca Crowley
What is it all about?
At a time where online dating could prove fatal, Jack and Kristy decide they meet in person. Aiming for an adventurous first date, they plan a weekend getaway to a cozy cabin deep in the woodlands of rural Missouri. While discovering each other, they soon learn of the terrorizing horrors that the forest, and the family lurking there, has in store for outsiders.
The Trailer:
The Verdict!
Pop Quiz!
You meet a girl online and on the first date she suggests that you take a drive with her to a place where there is no phone signal, in the middle of the woods, to stay in a creepy old cabin that just happens to be rented out by a family with the surname Myers.
Do you?
A: Say yes!
B: Say No!
C: Laugh out loud and scream “Are you out of your mind?” and ask her never to contact you online again!
Now if you answered B or C then well done, like me you have common sense and will find yourself sitting in stunned silence that someone has actually wrote this garbage. But if you have answered A, then maybe, just maybe, you’ll find some enjoyment from a film that for me personally, was so painful to watch, that afterwards I had to pull my own eyes out and rinse them with bleach, just to get rid of the stamp that Slasher.Com made on my retina’s
I love horror and I appreciate the genre in all shapes and form, from big blockbusters, to the small films that deserve an audience, I also find no joy in giving out a bad review, simply because I know no one sets out to make a bad movie, but I just can’t forgive this film for being so bad. I can ignore the awful acting, because you expect it, but when you watch such appalling scenes unfolding in front of your eyes, you can only shed a tear from not only sheer boredom but the fact that you know you have just wasted 90 minutes of your life that sadly you will never get back.
How bad is this? Well there is two scenes I can sum it all up for you. The first is the “spoon”, ah yes! Now sadly this is not a Matrix cool “There is no Spoon” moment, but instead we have a woman in this film who likes to be called Mama (Jewel Shepard) preparing food and then virtually shovelling the spoon down poor Jack’s (Ben Kaplan) mouth at every opportunity. Why? Well we find out that when she takes a bath she likes to pleasure herself with the spoon…….yes…..you read that right….did that just taste like fish cakes Jack?
Another scene is where we see Mama’s daughter Caitlin (Rebecca Crowley) rub herself with a dolls head, to seduce Jack. Yep, she rubs it slowly all over breasts and lower regions, and what does Jack say to his girlfriend Kristy (Morgan Carter) “I am sure she was just flirting with me?” Really! What made you think that? Tell us, when was the exact moment you came to that conclusion? When the dolls head was rubbing her nipple or Vagina?
Shit! Even writing this nonsense makes me mad!
Story wise, well its all over the place. The film starts with a scene of a serial killer going about his work, overlapped with some news footage telling us that this man has been going online and killing young women and the police can’t find him. The film skips then to Jack and Kristy meeting up for the first time, where she convinces him to take a drive to the backend of nowhere, where they will stay in a place in the middle of the woods. Of course, this is what normal people would do on a first date! O….K…A…Y…….then! Their room for the night is owned by Jesse (R.A. Mihailoff) and his clan and if you have seen the likes of Texas Chainsaw and its many rip offs, then you know where this is heading.
The trouble is, I could handle this being a homage to Tobe Hopper’s masterpiece, but I couldn’t fathom if this was an actual piss take or a geninue attempt at being a scary film. The atrocious acting doesn’t help either. Quite a few times I had to put a cushion over my face as I cringed with embarrassment and the attempt by the makers to overcome this by filling the film with nudity still didn’t work as I can’t see how a horny teenager will find any sexual excitement to what is on offer, especially as the sex scenes are droned out by the music that irritates throughout.
Sudden twists in the plot are more stupid than they are clever. The main one is quite obvious from the start and really makes no sense if you think about it, in fact its so laughable that its the only time the film actually made me smile, while the second twist, again you’ll see coming but by then you having giving up the will to care.
For a film with the word Slasher in its title, then fans of that genre are going to be disappointed. This is far from a man in a mask set in the woods style film and even the “Online” angle is never really explored, but I suppose the stupid title fits what we actually get, a nonsense horror that many will find no enjoyment, especially gore hounds who will be massively disappointed at the lack of blood and gore on show and as for the end? What the……!! I don’t think I have been so shocked at the level of stupidity on show.
Is there at least some saving factor? I honestly can’t think of any. I have reviewed many films for HCF over the last few years, some have been awful, many have been diabolical, but at this moment, I can’t think of a film I have seen as bad as Slasher.com and if that is the only highest recomondation I can give it, then so be it!
Woeful!
Rating: 
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