You Can’t Kill Stephen King

You Can't Kill Stephen King (2012)
Directed by: Jorge Valdés-Iga, Monroe Mann, Ronnie Khalil
Written by: Bob Madia, Monroe Mann, Ronnie Khalil
Starring: Arthur S. Brown, Crystal Arnette, Justin Brown, Kate Costello, Kayle Blogna, Michael Bernstein, Monroe Mann, Polly Humphreys, Ronnie Khalil

An eye-catching title that sadly the film itself fails to match…..

Thanks to its imaginative title, this slasher from 2012 only came to my attention this weekend and I honestly thought I may have missed a precursor to the quite wonderful The Final Girls and I wanted to amend the situation straight away.

I mean a film that threatens to set a slasher film within the world of Stephen King is a pretty cool concept, but sadly as the final credits rolled, I realised that I had reached a peak with this film the moment I read the title.

The set up is pretty standard Slasher territory. A gang of teens head off to a small town where the locals act suspicious. A cabin in the middle of the woods awaits as a hooded killer stands waiting to kill! How does the great Stephen King feature in the plot? Well it’s set in Maine, the teens want to visit where he resides, and they get on a boat called Christine!

Yeah! That’s about it! There are some references about the great man’s work, some of the kills are supposed to tie in with his novels and a clown makes an appearance, quoting Pennywise, but by the time you get to that stage, you’ll most likely be past caring at exactly what is happening.

This slasher is a chore. I can handle the stereotypical characters on show as the film is set out to be self-aware, but an over-reliance on masturbation gags and close up of breasts shows where the script has firmly set its heart on and even then you hope that the kills would at least carry the much needed blood and guts in which us horror fans need, but sadly they are bland and totally forgettable – a massive no-no for those needing their thrills.

I always hate criticising films of this nature as you can clearly feel that a lot of love and care went into the film, but in a genre where slashers get released every single week, it’s no where near the standard of similar films. While it may appeal to King fans, for me personally the opening gambit of CATS EYES was more of a homage to the great man’s work as this makes some odd choices, summed up with the hint of the infamous “Ki ki ki, ma, ma, ma“ Jason theme, that has nothing to do with the world renowned novelist in any shape or form…..

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